So now I have two options.
1. I can sit and wonder where and how these 4 years passed by so quickly. Look back and remember all the things done and achieved. Retrospect and analyze those that were not. Dig deeper into the reasons why they could not happen. Regret certain decisions that could not be made. And those that were made but should not have been, at that time. Curse myself for acting at certain points in haste and under the influence of emotions, and blame myself for not having used wiser discretion.
I can terribly miss my college and friends and all that bonds me to that place. I can sit and moan and sob over the time gone by and keep wishing that I somehow get all that back. To relive the good times, more importantly to undo the bad and redo it like it should have been done.
2. Or I can just miss the time gone by for a while, yes. But then I can just let things take me where they will. I can only look ahead and try to do all that I could have / could not have /should have / should not have/ must have / must not have in the time to come.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Monday, May 16, 2011
#66 Packed. Shifted. and Still Settling.
I am back home after ending my stint in college. Sounds too cliched but these 4 years really did seem to have passed by in a whiff. Before I could even sit back and analyse my journey of BTech, it was time to wind up and leave. Like everybody else, we had our share of coundowns and bucket lists and days of lasts . Tried as much as it was in our capacity to "enjoy the last few days in the college to the fullest", as they say. We all started the last semester with numerous plans and lists and ideas for the follwing weeks. Everyone was aware of what was going to be taken away pretty soon, and everyone did know they had to cherish each and every moment of it while they could- just no one exactly knew how. Umpteen farewells and treats and parties and outings and meetings later, it was never enough. Shirts were signed. Diaries were written. Photos were clicked. Revelations were made. Remebrances were done. Grudges were buried. Confessions were made. Tears were shed. Promises were made. And a hell lot of all that. Still, it just never seemed enough. There was always a desire for "thoda aur yaar..abhi bahut kuch baaki hai karna" . I felt so caught up in frantically trying to gather whatever bits I could from the moments that were left to our mercy. It felt like I would never ever be able to accept the 'end'. It was frustrating since amidst all the pressure of exams for which there was nil preparation ( ok this time I hadn't even bought the books ! ) and the major thesis, I still had scores of places to visit and restaurants to eat at and things to do in my list. There never seemed to be any end to my frenzy in trying to cling on to the place.
Until one day a week after exams were over and no dues forms were looming on our minds, a friend left for home early. The scene at the station of tears and wails of separation sent shivers down my spine. I knew this was going to be gazzilion times harder in my case, considering the over emotional and touchy person that I am. Suddenly the jeers of my friends over how drmatic my farewell would be, gave me a jolt and I realized I would certainly not be able to leave this way. It was going to be terribly ugly. That is when I decided to get the hell out of there and leave the college as early as possible, and snap the ties as abruptly as I could. That seemed to be the only solution to the spasms I kept getting every moment I was reminded of the college ending. In a day I was to pack the humungous amount of luggage i had collected in my hostel over the years, and parcel them back home along with my ride.
3 days later, I'm here sitting in my "home" the literal one, away from the place I called home for the last 4 years- a place that had grown into me. The events of the past 3 days keep rewinding in my head and I wonder how I managed through so many abrupt and unexpected events. My first time alone in non-AC ( and I reached home in one piece *claps* ), 5 cartons of luggage that I had nearly lost but received only yesterday, and most importantly, not shedding a single tear while I boarded my train. Very unexpected of me.
In retrospection I feel letting go was definitely a wiser and easier way out than holding on never being able to come out of the dream that was sure to end. Merely procrastinating wasn't going to give back my college days. I was almost like buying time for a dying patient. I am assured that I lived my college life, as much as it was in my capacity, infact much more than I could;ve envisaged. I know that the friends who'll be there will always be, irrespective of the distance. The ones who wont were never meant to be at the first place. I will make up for the places I msised going to in Bhopal sometime. Instead of trying to make futile attempts in undoing or starting afresh over the mistakes, I can better concentrate on the lessons learnt and take care in my future in Bangalore, where another chapter in my life begins in a couple of weeks. Instead of brooding and sulking over what all I left behind, I can only look back and smile at the memories I have of that place, and look ahead to the time that awaits me. All done and dusted from Bhopal, I am now definitely looking forward to life in Bangalore. Until then, its time for me to try to 'adjust' to the ways and routines of this place called home.
Until one day a week after exams were over and no dues forms were looming on our minds, a friend left for home early. The scene at the station of tears and wails of separation sent shivers down my spine. I knew this was going to be gazzilion times harder in my case, considering the over emotional and touchy person that I am. Suddenly the jeers of my friends over how drmatic my farewell would be, gave me a jolt and I realized I would certainly not be able to leave this way. It was going to be terribly ugly. That is when I decided to get the hell out of there and leave the college as early as possible, and snap the ties as abruptly as I could. That seemed to be the only solution to the spasms I kept getting every moment I was reminded of the college ending. In a day I was to pack the humungous amount of luggage i had collected in my hostel over the years, and parcel them back home along with my ride.
3 days later, I'm here sitting in my "home" the literal one, away from the place I called home for the last 4 years- a place that had grown into me. The events of the past 3 days keep rewinding in my head and I wonder how I managed through so many abrupt and unexpected events. My first time alone in non-AC ( and I reached home in one piece *claps* ), 5 cartons of luggage that I had nearly lost but received only yesterday, and most importantly, not shedding a single tear while I boarded my train. Very unexpected of me.
In retrospection I feel letting go was definitely a wiser and easier way out than holding on never being able to come out of the dream that was sure to end. Merely procrastinating wasn't going to give back my college days. I was almost like buying time for a dying patient. I am assured that I lived my college life, as much as it was in my capacity, infact much more than I could;ve envisaged. I know that the friends who'll be there will always be, irrespective of the distance. The ones who wont were never meant to be at the first place. I will make up for the places I msised going to in Bhopal sometime. Instead of trying to make futile attempts in undoing or starting afresh over the mistakes, I can better concentrate on the lessons learnt and take care in my future in Bangalore, where another chapter in my life begins in a couple of weeks. Instead of brooding and sulking over what all I left behind, I can only look back and smile at the memories I have of that place, and look ahead to the time that awaits me. All done and dusted from Bhopal, I am now definitely looking forward to life in Bangalore. Until then, its time for me to try to 'adjust' to the ways and routines of this place called home.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
#65 Complan Girl
Do not ask me what is with the new blog url ...
Emergency measure . Could not think of anything else..
but this !!! Seriously ???
:
I know i can't get lamer than this
but
extreme times call for extreme measures.
ps: come to think of it , can the fact that I'm still 'growing-up' be taken as a justification?? Do let me know if you have any better excuse :P
pps: exam time ! Last majors of college :(
Emergency measure . Could not think of anything else..
but this !!! Seriously ???
:
I know i can't get lamer than this
but
extreme times call for extreme measures.
ps: come to think of it , can the fact that I'm still 'growing-up' be taken as a justification?? Do let me know if you have any better excuse :P
pps: exam time ! Last majors of college :(
Thursday, April 7, 2011
#64
Sitting down to type a post on a particular issue in the head seems impossible now. There are days when I’m absolutely out of things to say/ do / think of. And then there are the days when I wish I had 36-hour long days. Last couple of months I was as idle as I could ever be, trying to look for stuff to do to save myself from succumbing to boredom post early-placement. However, the last 10 days have suddenly thrust upon me a jam-packed schedule for the last one month left of us in the college. It pinches the tiny corner of my heart everytime I think of the few counted days left. There were so many times when I prayed to God to get me out of this place. Now all I can do is pray for time to run as slow as possible, but He seems to be in no mood to listen to me!!
So since I’m too lazy and at loss of ample time for separate updates, here’s a glance at all that happened in my otherwise not-so-happening life in the past weeks.
1. Microsoft got scheduled to arrive in college for placement on around 14th Feb, for which I was eligible too, Microsoft being open for all every year. The same time my brother scheduled his visit to home from UK. He had planned a trekking trip to the Himalayas too, and I do not remember looking forward to a holiday this excitedly for many years now..
2. As luck would have it, MS postponed its schedule to 24th , and messed up all plans. Brother could only reschedule for 2 days later, so it was decided that I’d skip going home for the family reunion, and meet him in Delhi when he arrives instead. So I could get back to college and appear for the company, on the insistence of my family and friends who thought it was stupid to let go of the opportunity to go home, even though my prep was nil. I did the same only to be told on arrival at the written test hall that the placement cell decided at the last moment to modify the policies, which barred me from appearing since I was placed already. That left me extremely upset for having missed being with the entire family together after 6 long years, that too for something I wasn’t even allowed to participate in. I was told later that this was decided long back , which made me even more bitter for listening to some people who influenced my decision for staying back. I still get bitter at time I get reminded of the whole fiasco.
3. On the brighter side though, I got gifted my new toy by brother :D :D .. and im in LOVE with it !!Can’t get my eyes and hands off it for more than 98 seconds :D
4. College fest in first week of march was crazy fun. !! This time me and my group of friends decided to not participate seriously, but just have random fun at all the events. Lots of running around, candy watching, screaming , howling, dancing , paint ball ( I chickened out and took shelter behind the guys :) ), the nightout (do not tell my mom about it , please ).. Ohh and did I tell you, I even got a picture clicked with the JAL band :D :D
The sudden death of a junior in a road accident was unfortunate though, and marred the excitement. R.I.P. dear junior.
5. This time I followed the cricket world cup from the semi finals, never has cricket been so thrilling !! Watching India’s matches in the hostel with 200 girls is a chaos, and watching the same on the big screen with thousands of others is a riot!! From face paints to trumpets to howling our throats out to hugging random strangers to newspaper pom-poms to mindless cheerleading, we did it all .
Does this still gives you the goosebumps :D
6. Our college magazine came out today. An entire year of our hardwork finally paid off and i'm thrilled with the wonderful feedback coming from everyone. Feels so great to be finally appreciated over something you put your heart and soul into. With that my journey with the Editorial Board came to an end too. On Monday’s meeting, when the chief suddenly announced the new team for the next session and told us we were no longer going to enter the meeting room ever again, it struck us final years really really hard. Like a SMACK on the face. It was over. 3 years of the wonderful journey got over before I even knew. I can still vividly recall my interview and the first day in EB meeting. Then we all were asked to say something to everyone and I saw everyone choking for words. I went completely blank when it was my turn, all I remember is ending up crying on being reminded that I no longer would be entering the room again. We all final years stayed back after the meeting and wondered how time flied. Out of all the things I’ll miss about the college , I know ill miss EB the most. It has transformed me a lot from the kid that I entered to the pseudo-lady( I think ) that’ll be laving soon.
7. Speaking of being a lady, they have organized this signature party in the hostel this weekend, which is basically a pre-parewell sort of thing where you wear dresses and walk the ramp. And they expect me to wear HEELS !!! Yikkkkesss… * faints *
The month is lined up with last events of societies and farewells. So loads of teary partings and speeches and messages and food and clothes.. And I’m not sure if im looking forward to it all. Feels like a big chunk of my heart is being chopped out of me and all the pain will be unbearable for me. I fail to understand what part of this college exactly makes me feel this way. But the idea of leaving the place I have accepted as mine over these years is freaking me out. As much as the excitement of the new life ahead post-college and the apprehension of what it hold for me are making me want to look forward to life less pessimistically, the mere mention of shedding and coming out of this cocoon makes me want to bury myself in it deeper….
You understand the mess in my head right ?
So since I’m too lazy and at loss of ample time for separate updates, here’s a glance at all that happened in my otherwise not-so-happening life in the past weeks.
1. Microsoft got scheduled to arrive in college for placement on around 14th Feb, for which I was eligible too, Microsoft being open for all every year. The same time my brother scheduled his visit to home from UK. He had planned a trekking trip to the Himalayas too, and I do not remember looking forward to a holiday this excitedly for many years now..
2. As luck would have it, MS postponed its schedule to 24th , and messed up all plans. Brother could only reschedule for 2 days later, so it was decided that I’d skip going home for the family reunion, and meet him in Delhi when he arrives instead. So I could get back to college and appear for the company, on the insistence of my family and friends who thought it was stupid to let go of the opportunity to go home, even though my prep was nil. I did the same only to be told on arrival at the written test hall that the placement cell decided at the last moment to modify the policies, which barred me from appearing since I was placed already. That left me extremely upset for having missed being with the entire family together after 6 long years, that too for something I wasn’t even allowed to participate in. I was told later that this was decided long back , which made me even more bitter for listening to some people who influenced my decision for staying back. I still get bitter at time I get reminded of the whole fiasco.
3. On the brighter side though, I got gifted my new toy by brother :D :D .. and im in LOVE with it !!Can’t get my eyes and hands off it for more than 98 seconds :D
4. College fest in first week of march was crazy fun. !! This time me and my group of friends decided to not participate seriously, but just have random fun at all the events. Lots of running around, candy watching, screaming , howling, dancing , paint ball ( I chickened out and took shelter behind the guys :) ), the nightout (do not tell my mom about it , please ).. Ohh and did I tell you, I even got a picture clicked with the JAL band :D :D
The sudden death of a junior in a road accident was unfortunate though, and marred the excitement. R.I.P. dear junior.
5. This time I followed the cricket world cup from the semi finals, never has cricket been so thrilling !! Watching India’s matches in the hostel with 200 girls is a chaos, and watching the same on the big screen with thousands of others is a riot!! From face paints to trumpets to howling our throats out to hugging random strangers to newspaper pom-poms to mindless cheerleading, we did it all .
Does this still gives you the goosebumps :D
6. Our college magazine came out today. An entire year of our hardwork finally paid off and i'm thrilled with the wonderful feedback coming from everyone. Feels so great to be finally appreciated over something you put your heart and soul into. With that my journey with the Editorial Board came to an end too. On Monday’s meeting, when the chief suddenly announced the new team for the next session and told us we were no longer going to enter the meeting room ever again, it struck us final years really really hard. Like a SMACK on the face. It was over. 3 years of the wonderful journey got over before I even knew. I can still vividly recall my interview and the first day in EB meeting. Then we all were asked to say something to everyone and I saw everyone choking for words. I went completely blank when it was my turn, all I remember is ending up crying on being reminded that I no longer would be entering the room again. We all final years stayed back after the meeting and wondered how time flied. Out of all the things I’ll miss about the college , I know ill miss EB the most. It has transformed me a lot from the kid that I entered to the pseudo-lady( I think ) that’ll be laving soon.
7. Speaking of being a lady, they have organized this signature party in the hostel this weekend, which is basically a pre-parewell sort of thing where you wear dresses and walk the ramp. And they expect me to wear HEELS !!! Yikkkkesss… * faints *
The month is lined up with last events of societies and farewells. So loads of teary partings and speeches and messages and food and clothes.. And I’m not sure if im looking forward to it all. Feels like a big chunk of my heart is being chopped out of me and all the pain will be unbearable for me. I fail to understand what part of this college exactly makes me feel this way. But the idea of leaving the place I have accepted as mine over these years is freaking me out. As much as the excitement of the new life ahead post-college and the apprehension of what it hold for me are making me want to look forward to life less pessimistically, the mere mention of shedding and coming out of this cocoon makes me want to bury myself in it deeper….
You understand the mess in my head right ?
Saturday, March 19, 2011
#63 un-holi-day
I have spent the first 5 years of my life in a country in Persian Gulf where the festival was totally unheard of..
My earliest memory of the day after returning to India is of when i was in my kindergarten. My first ever holi. You cousins suddenly barged in and dragged me by my arms out of the home and smeared me with every color possible all over my body, without any warning/explanation. What sort of reaction did you expect from a kid who has no frigging idea in the world why you are suddenly acting so wild and chivvying her ! Don't call me a cry-baby if i freaked out and ran inside screaming to my dad asking him what the hell in the world was wrong with everybody, and refused to speak with you for weeks after that, until I was thoroughly convinced that you people were infact normal and safe to be with.
I was scared of holi since then. Then one time when we had just shifted to our new house, you neighbors starting banging our doors asking for us to come out. My parents coaxed me into dropping my guard against the festival once and try and get into the spirit. That is how they said me and my brother would "be able to make friends fast in the neighborhood" and sent us out. I remember clutching my brother's hand so tight and pleading him not to let me go. But you guys came and snatched him away from me, totally ignored his requests to go easy on me and dropped bucketfuls of dirty filthy slimy liquid and smeared my entire body with grease, leaving me struggling and gasping for breaths. You agitated me all the more by not giving a chance to my brother to prepare- broke his spectacles and pushed him into a drainage canal !!! "Welcome to our colony" you said with the evil smiles, "ragging" as you called it.
Over the years I chose to witness the scene from my balcony and chose to say no to anything you put on me except dry colors. You laughed at me for being such a wuss and not enjoying the festival with you guys. Did you even care to notice that girl in the group who submitted to your hooliganism, but often returned home crying to herself because she hated the way that a-hole uncle grabbed and smeared color on her and touched her in a manner that make her feel sick ? Did you even bother to realize how traumatic it might have been for that kid ? Well I did, and I started hating that man and the festival all the more. For me it was one of the days that gave men the right to unleash the beasts within them and treat women with utmost disrespect. I could not take that. Never will.
In my high school, I heard of guys outside my house swooshing past in super sonic speeds on their bikes, screaming and shouting at every person on the road, boasting about how high on bhaang they were, how many they 'attacked', how many bruises they received, the number of houses they rampaged and what not. Half an hour I heard the news of one of them losing his life in an bike accident. Drunken driving and road brawl.
I had no reason to like this day.
I came to college and was petrified at the thought of having to celebrate the day in the college. I remember running a very high fever that morning. To my relief the girl hostel was sealed and I assumed the girls would be sophisticated enough to play nicely. But you barged into my room, pickded me up from all my fours and dropped me in that water pool you made in the toilet area !! You laughed and mocked at me when I suggested we play with dry colors and sweets and music and dance, instead of mindless noise and rattle. I pleaded not to waste so much of water as there is a shortage in the city already with the lakes dried up and the municipality struggling to provide enough for household use. You could only laugh harder.
I decided to run to home on every holi next year hence.
Only that I forgot that your celebrations do not end in one day. Only in my 3rd year in the college did I learn about Rang Panchmi, another day to go crazy. I was dragged out into the hostel courtyard and smothered with permanent gulal, despite my wails of protest. As if I wasn't roughened up enough, you started tearing my clothes. TEARING CLOTHES !!! And you said it was a tradition ????? Tradition ??? ehhh... all i knew about the tradition was putting up tilaks and exchanging sweets and hugs and wishing health and prosperity to others. But tearing off clothes ??
You did not let me in peace even in the evening. I was walking to the general store behind my hostel to buy a scrubber to rub of the color when a bunch of you guys zoomed past me, circled and cornered me on the road, all on bikes and high on bhaang , all smeared with silver and pink and flashing evil smiles at me. I froze in fear and screamed and ran as fast as my legs could take me and hid in a professor's quarter until you people left after laughing wildly at my helplessness and "feeling like a true mard". I thought that was the most un-manly thing ever.
Even now as I sit in my hostel room recounting the horrid memories of the so-called 'festival of colors' , i'm planning out ways to escape the hooliganism tomorrow somehow. I told you yesterday I was thinking of going over to a day-scholar's home for the day , and you people screamed at me and got mad for being a kill joy. You charged me emotionally with all sorts of "yaar...just a few days left together in the college...last holi ever" stuff and made me change my mind. You promised to go easy on me and make me like this festival. I believed you and promised to co-operate from my end. I was typing all this and anticipating with a tinge of excitement in my head about finally having to experience the real holi, when you guys called me out on some pretext and started the congenial violence again.....
Don't blame me if I detest Holi ..
My earliest memory of the day after returning to India is of when i was in my kindergarten. My first ever holi. You cousins suddenly barged in and dragged me by my arms out of the home and smeared me with every color possible all over my body, without any warning/explanation. What sort of reaction did you expect from a kid who has no frigging idea in the world why you are suddenly acting so wild and chivvying her ! Don't call me a cry-baby if i freaked out and ran inside screaming to my dad asking him what the hell in the world was wrong with everybody, and refused to speak with you for weeks after that, until I was thoroughly convinced that you people were infact normal and safe to be with.
I was scared of holi since then. Then one time when we had just shifted to our new house, you neighbors starting banging our doors asking for us to come out. My parents coaxed me into dropping my guard against the festival once and try and get into the spirit. That is how they said me and my brother would "be able to make friends fast in the neighborhood" and sent us out. I remember clutching my brother's hand so tight and pleading him not to let me go. But you guys came and snatched him away from me, totally ignored his requests to go easy on me and dropped bucketfuls of dirty filthy slimy liquid and smeared my entire body with grease, leaving me struggling and gasping for breaths. You agitated me all the more by not giving a chance to my brother to prepare- broke his spectacles and pushed him into a drainage canal !!! "Welcome to our colony" you said with the evil smiles, "ragging" as you called it.
Over the years I chose to witness the scene from my balcony and chose to say no to anything you put on me except dry colors. You laughed at me for being such a wuss and not enjoying the festival with you guys. Did you even care to notice that girl in the group who submitted to your hooliganism, but often returned home crying to herself because she hated the way that a-hole uncle grabbed and smeared color on her and touched her in a manner that make her feel sick ? Did you even bother to realize how traumatic it might have been for that kid ? Well I did, and I started hating that man and the festival all the more. For me it was one of the days that gave men the right to unleash the beasts within them and treat women with utmost disrespect. I could not take that. Never will.
In my high school, I heard of guys outside my house swooshing past in super sonic speeds on their bikes, screaming and shouting at every person on the road, boasting about how high on bhaang they were, how many they 'attacked', how many bruises they received, the number of houses they rampaged and what not. Half an hour I heard the news of one of them losing his life in an bike accident. Drunken driving and road brawl.
I had no reason to like this day.
I came to college and was petrified at the thought of having to celebrate the day in the college. I remember running a very high fever that morning. To my relief the girl hostel was sealed and I assumed the girls would be sophisticated enough to play nicely. But you barged into my room, pickded me up from all my fours and dropped me in that water pool you made in the toilet area !! You laughed and mocked at me when I suggested we play with dry colors and sweets and music and dance, instead of mindless noise and rattle. I pleaded not to waste so much of water as there is a shortage in the city already with the lakes dried up and the municipality struggling to provide enough for household use. You could only laugh harder.
I decided to run to home on every holi next year hence.
Only that I forgot that your celebrations do not end in one day. Only in my 3rd year in the college did I learn about Rang Panchmi, another day to go crazy. I was dragged out into the hostel courtyard and smothered with permanent gulal, despite my wails of protest. As if I wasn't roughened up enough, you started tearing my clothes. TEARING CLOTHES !!! And you said it was a tradition ????? Tradition ??? ehhh... all i knew about the tradition was putting up tilaks and exchanging sweets and hugs and wishing health and prosperity to others. But tearing off clothes ??
You did not let me in peace even in the evening. I was walking to the general store behind my hostel to buy a scrubber to rub of the color when a bunch of you guys zoomed past me, circled and cornered me on the road, all on bikes and high on bhaang , all smeared with silver and pink and flashing evil smiles at me. I froze in fear and screamed and ran as fast as my legs could take me and hid in a professor's quarter until you people left after laughing wildly at my helplessness and "feeling like a true mard". I thought that was the most un-manly thing ever.
Even now as I sit in my hostel room recounting the horrid memories of the so-called 'festival of colors' , i'm planning out ways to escape the hooliganism tomorrow somehow. I told you yesterday I was thinking of going over to a day-scholar's home for the day , and you people screamed at me and got mad for being a kill joy. You charged me emotionally with all sorts of "yaar...just a few days left together in the college...last holi ever" stuff and made me change my mind. You promised to go easy on me and make me like this festival. I believed you and promised to co-operate from my end. I was typing all this and anticipating with a tinge of excitement in my head about finally having to experience the real holi, when you guys called me out on some pretext and started the congenial violence again.....
Don't blame me if I detest Holi ..
Monday, March 14, 2011
#62 Now Playing : Fix You- Coldplay
I am stuck in a rut. A deep dark purposeless morbid rut , one that I don’t seem to be able to come out of ever. Unable to do so, or lacking the will to break open, that is something I haven’t been able to figure out. Deep down I do know it’s the latter, though. Every time I start afresh with lots of new and exciting plans for myself, I end up falling for the same old depressing routine and habits. Over and over and over again. I know I should blame no one but myself for this. I and I alone am responsible for choosing to shamelessly ignore and forget the promises and deals I make with myself, specially the ones that involve putting my happiness and health before everything else. Its all so messed up, that I have lost the will to get up and start over again. I guess I have resigned myself to this mess and conditioned myself to silently live with all of it. I do want to break free, yet I do not move an inch. For fears of such reasons that are too trivial and insignificant and pointless to be considered. But the idiot that I am, I will think and re think about all of just that and worry the hell out of me, while the world out there is blissfully unaware of my state of mind. And so I keep fretting and whining and worrying inside my own tiny little space. Then I get sick of all the thinking and make up my mind to get out and do whatever needs to be done. Get out and scream at that girl who betrayed my trust in her, hit that guy who upset me, shout back at the uncle who misunderstood me, go shake that teacher who annoyed me. Yet all I do is, move about in the hostel smiling and politely speaking with that same girl, letting that guy bother me again, greet that uncle with all the respect and not bother about the teacher. The cool calm polite sweet G that I am. !! I don’t think so anymore. I think its all an alibi for being weak and spineless and lacking the guts to stand up and fight. My happiness is under the control of the most stupid and vague things in life, and I seem to be ok with it ! When will I learn to scream out at the top of my voice that I AM NOT OK !!!
Monday, January 31, 2011
#61 There is someone..
There is this someone in my wing ( in hostel ) who:
1. Forgets to flush .
2. Misses the damn hole !!
Din't know such levels of fail (specially among girls) were even possible.
*sigh*
1. Forgets to flush .
2. Misses the damn hole !!
Din't know such levels of fail (specially among girls) were even possible.
*sigh*
Thursday, January 20, 2011
#60 So What Happened and Will Happen in 2011??
Although 2011 brought me a lot of happy moments with it, I have yet to register them in my head and come to terms with certain events that have happened too fast to be able to prepare for them. I welcomed the new year in the most dispassionate manner possible, by sleeping in the upper berth of a Delhi bound train, followed with an entirely opposite and fun filled day with my friends from internship as promised (remember?). And I gave that horrible exam too, the lesser I try to reminisce about it the better it is for my health. Just to give you a drift in case you already don’t have one, my friends rightly coined a term for it. ”mass rape”. Fast forward a week and I landed back in college with truck load of guilt for not having even opened a book during vacations while all my batchmates had devoured scores of books to prepare for the dream companies ( our college’s placement policy allows each student to grab one job having normal status and one more in addition under dream status. I already got my ‘normal’ placement in the beginning of the last semester). I decided in the auto on my way to campus to settle down in my room asap and start serious prep atleast this one time, only to reach the hostel and be told about SAP Labs, first dream company visiting our company the very next day! Guilty as I felt for my lack of preparation for a serious deal as a company like this, I decided to just go and sit for the written test and support my friends appearing and badly wanting to get in the company. Fast forward another 3 hours and find yours truly in the interview room for an excruciating 1.5 hours trying to shoot back at the interviewer charging at her with every problem possible in the world. Fast forward another two hours and have yours truly be the first in her branch to grab a dream offer. As dazed and lost as ever, pinching herself every moment and then for any sign of this being a weird dream by any chance.
Its been 6 days since that and the entire course of events of that day still replay through my head atleast 10 times a day. And those of the past few months for another 20 times. I seem to have started believing in the idea that nature has its way of balancing things in life. It takes some, but then ensures that it does give you back in some form or the other. It has never been too many smiles or tears forever, there always have to be a balanced amount of both spread over a period.
I have also come to believe that your actions today do somehow influence certain events of tomorrow, however unrelated they may seem to be. I saw a friend doing something really horrible with his beloved last semester, and was dreading his karma to strike back at him over something very important to him to pinch enough. Turned out that his CAT results which everyone had taken for granted he’d be acing in, were a big disaster and lowered his spirits tremendously. I don’t know how this really makes sense, but I can’t seem to co-relate these two events in his life. Surprisingly, his “conscience tells” him the same. *scratches head*
I have decided to try my best to focus on the many happy and pleasant thoughts and people instead of that one unhappy moment or person. As huge and impossible that might seem I shall do whatever it takes from my side to remind myself that my life is much more than just that and I definitely deserve to spend each moment in a way that I feel no guilt and regret in future about having it wasted over something that did not deserve more space in my mind than I already have given. I write all this here so that it stays as a permanent copy of my resolve to read and remind myself with whenever I falter.
Who says resolutions cannot be made 20 days after Jan 1 ?
#59 Is it 2011 Already ??
Note : I realized this post has gotten way too long to be able to read without dozing off. So I shall split and publish this under two posts so that you can sleep twice :P
20 days into the year is not too late to wish a happy new year no? I shall not delve into the reasons for such a delay, simply because there are none. I just don’t know why I didn’t post anything for so long. It wasn’t the lack of stuff to write up here, there were lots of things happening which I could’ve shared. It wasn’t the lack of time either; I’ve never been more idle and jobless in the past month than I have in my entire engineering life. With my placement and all the stupid entrance exams done, I had nothing-absolutely nothing- left to keep me occupied with or to give an excuse about. Don’t think it was my beloved procrastination and lack of will too, I bet there were times when I felt the urge to blog and even typed a few drafts, but never really got to hit the publish button.
Guess the same was being reflected in my daily life too. I had loads of plans for the semester break, but all I remember doing at home was staring at my laptop and the walls almost all the time, rest of the time I was snoozing blissfully cuddled up my quilt. I kept planning and making to-do notes in my head, none of which materialized. Except for getting my PAN card made (well technically, it was my Dad who did the work, I only moved out of my bed to sign on the form. But that should count in my favour right? ). The only significant event that happened in the otherwise uneventful and boring holidays was loss of something very dear to me. It all happened too fast, yet it seemed like an eternity when it all was happening. I was too lost trying to comprehend what exactly had happened to be able to acknowledge and get boisterously excited over other not-so-huge-yet-pretty-important-and-pleasant changes that took place during vacations. Like my first pair of heels (ok if you’d known me closely, you’d have given that ohhh my God Really !! instead of that duhhh whats the big deal about it? reaction), the fact that I can now bake chocolate sponge cakes and cook chicken without Mom’s assistance; and that I met one of my best-est friends after 5 long years!! It always amazes and amuses me more as to how humans have the tendency to drive their entire energy to that one unhappy moment instead of a 100 happy ones happening at the same time !!
Saturday, January 1, 2011
#58
Dear 2010,
R.I.P.
I loved you with all the good and the bad and the ugly and the nasty. And the really nasty too.
Dear 2011,
Be nice to me, OK?
No?? umm ok, a little less dramatic ???
please ?? *puppy face*
R.I.P.
I loved you with all the good and the bad and the ugly and the nasty. And the really nasty too.
Dear 2011,
Be nice to me, OK?
No?? umm ok, a little less dramatic ???
please ?? *puppy face*
Sunday, December 26, 2010
#57 Nautanki...
And I quote...
Tu bohat nautanki hai .. :x
"paper kaesa hua?"
"Raddi .."
Followd by:
"main fail ho gayi"
And, abb bolna " pata nai kaese pointer ban gaya" :P
Anyways .. Congrats !! :D :)
unquote
Tu bohat nautanki hai .. :x
"paper kaesa hua?"
"Raddi .."
Followd by:
"main fail ho gayi"
And, abb bolna " pata nai kaese pointer ban gaya" :P
Anyways .. Congrats !! :D :)
unquote
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
#56 Hey You ! ( Yes you know I'm talking to you )
If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache. Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be. Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends". A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend. Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. Don't stay because you think "it will get better".You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better. The only person you can control in a relationship is you. Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently? Always have your own set of friends separate from his. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later. You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within. Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or in a better job.
- OPRAH WINFREY
Something I read and really want someone to take note of. Read this and get it into your head to stop making a fool of yourself.
You know who you are.
Yes you!
Thursday, November 25, 2010
#55
I urgently need to let go of the negativity and uneasiness that is eating me every second for the past 20 hours now. Today I just don't feel like even trying to make efforts to do what it takes to be happy. As much as I would've wished to smile with all my heart, I just did not do enough. Not even a bit at that. The smile I tried to flash all day seemed fake and lifeless. I know if I had made a genuine effort, it wouldn't have taken much to get me back up and pumping. Laughing and joking and jumping and goofing around. Full of energy.
But I din't want to invest a lot of energy into faking that energy. Faking happiness might've worked at that moment, but it would've made me much more unhappy later on.
And as for the reason behind this dispirited mood today, I can only try not to give it the importance I'm attributing to it right now. I will have to learn to un-prioritize it and stop taking it too seriously to have a negative and unhealthy influence for me. Nothing should play juggler with my happiness. Not even the things that make me happy.
But I din't want to invest a lot of energy into faking that energy. Faking happiness might've worked at that moment, but it would've made me much more unhappy later on.
And as for the reason behind this dispirited mood today, I can only try not to give it the importance I'm attributing to it right now. I will have to learn to un-prioritize it and stop taking it too seriously to have a negative and unhealthy influence for me. Nothing should play juggler with my happiness. Not even the things that make me happy.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
#54 Before I even realized...
This sem is already over :O :O
Well, technically the vivas are still left, but who counts them ;-)
That brings the second last semester of my engineering to an end, already! I can still clearly remember the day I entered this college 3.5 years back, and it still feels like yesterday ! Can't believe, this is going to be the beginning of an end- last semester, last registration, last majors, last fest,last hostel parties,last canteen meals, last class treats, last-time standing in long queues of the library( well, i stopped doing that after 2nd yr, but just to add to the list;) ) and LAST SEM BREAK EVER !!
Speaking of sem-break, G is awfully sad today :( She had booked her tickets for home long back and was counting days before she could leave for the minefield that her hometown is. She was to leave home in another 5 days, and was looking forward to attending her best friend's sister's wedding and meeting all her friends on 1st december. But she is told today that the centre for her FMS exam on 5th is not Jammu, but Bhopal itself! So she's stuck here for another 15 days, and haaaaaaaaaaaaates it! What she hates more is that she decided to go ahead with filling up its form ONLY after learning that she could give it from home and won't have to stay back during vacations. It sounds like some cruel prank to teach me some lesson about not taking things too much for granted. Maybe. I'm just trying to find a reasoning behind things that happen to me.
I like my friend's reason though. He thinks its some sort of sign, that I am made to stay here for 2 weeks for an exam I wasn't even considering giving , only so I could prepare sincerely and perform well. I like the way he thinks, but I hope he also knows that G and studying sincerely have never got along well. EVER !
G tried hard to develop some interest in CAT , but it just blew up. So she has succumbed to the fact that she can never ever be capable of slogging her way out of something, she can just wish to do so, and get done with an average performance :-D
Speaking of performance, my theory papers got over just yesterday. And my performance was DISMAL, i'm quite sure of that. But then I can never ever be sure of myself, can I . I was unsure of almost everything in the past , specially when it came to exams, but ended up getting unbelievably fantastic results at times. But I have a nasty feeling about my pointer dropping real hard this time around. Can only hope it doesn't go as bad as I'm dreading. Not that it matters too much right now, I'm placed and probably won't have problem applying for anywhere if i want to, as long as my aggregate remains decent. But I still can't help the tiny anxiety somewhere in the corner of the head.
So yeah , I already mentioned I'm placed right, and if by any slim chance you happen to follow this blog, this post was about the same. That was one of the happiest moments this semester. Also those of some of my best friends. Want everyone else to grab their job offers asap, so that there is less frustration around in the air :-|
This semester had a lot of offer and teach. I lost a couple of good friends. That made me sad. I got a lot more new friends. That made me happy. I got closer to a couple of really good friends(two of them are my big time crushes :D ) and can't think of life without them now! This makes me soo happy. And you know what makes me happiest? Having made up with some of the friends I had lost before. Feels great.
And ohh yes, I finally gave up on trying to hate love. Its pointless. I admit I was being a jerk only since I felt bitten and was too shy to trust my instincts. I'm glad I decided to finally let go of my mental block and give up trying to force myself to hate love. I like love. I love love. Its a lovely feeling. OK i'm not making sense right now. But, once more, I like love. I love being told I'm loved, by anyone and everyone. And I love doing the same to them. Loving and being grateful for every damn thing in your life makes you a happy person. Try it.
So with the semester coming to an end, I want to do as much as I can in the next semester, the last one. Before I step into the cruel cruel mad world outside. I want to read as many novels as I can lay my hands on. Download and watch as many movies as I can from the college hub. Roam around as many places I can go to in the last semester. Plan a lot of trips, treats, movies, outings, meetings, events.....a hell lot of thing before I graduate. Don't I sound like someone desperately fluttering around in panic because theres a huge avalanhe approaching? Believe me , I feel exactly the same right now.
By the way, If you made it till here. You are so freaking jobless aren't you :P
I made no sense. Just wanted to blabber random stuff. Never intended to make any sense at all !
good night :P
Well, technically the vivas are still left, but who counts them ;-)
That brings the second last semester of my engineering to an end, already! I can still clearly remember the day I entered this college 3.5 years back, and it still feels like yesterday ! Can't believe, this is going to be the beginning of an end- last semester, last registration, last majors, last fest,last hostel parties,last canteen meals, last class treats, last-time standing in long queues of the library( well, i stopped doing that after 2nd yr, but just to add to the list;) ) and LAST SEM BREAK EVER !!
Speaking of sem-break, G is awfully sad today :( She had booked her tickets for home long back and was counting days before she could leave for the minefield that her hometown is. She was to leave home in another 5 days, and was looking forward to attending her best friend's sister's wedding and meeting all her friends on 1st december. But she is told today that the centre for her FMS exam on 5th is not Jammu, but Bhopal itself! So she's stuck here for another 15 days, and haaaaaaaaaaaaates it! What she hates more is that she decided to go ahead with filling up its form ONLY after learning that she could give it from home and won't have to stay back during vacations. It sounds like some cruel prank to teach me some lesson about not taking things too much for granted. Maybe. I'm just trying to find a reasoning behind things that happen to me.
I like my friend's reason though. He thinks its some sort of sign, that I am made to stay here for 2 weeks for an exam I wasn't even considering giving , only so I could prepare sincerely and perform well. I like the way he thinks, but I hope he also knows that G and studying sincerely have never got along well. EVER !
G tried hard to develop some interest in CAT , but it just blew up. So she has succumbed to the fact that she can never ever be capable of slogging her way out of something, she can just wish to do so, and get done with an average performance :-D
Speaking of performance, my theory papers got over just yesterday. And my performance was DISMAL, i'm quite sure of that. But then I can never ever be sure of myself, can I . I was unsure of almost everything in the past , specially when it came to exams, but ended up getting unbelievably fantastic results at times. But I have a nasty feeling about my pointer dropping real hard this time around. Can only hope it doesn't go as bad as I'm dreading. Not that it matters too much right now, I'm placed and probably won't have problem applying for anywhere if i want to, as long as my aggregate remains decent. But I still can't help the tiny anxiety somewhere in the corner of the head.
So yeah , I already mentioned I'm placed right, and if by any slim chance you happen to follow this blog, this post was about the same. That was one of the happiest moments this semester. Also those of some of my best friends. Want everyone else to grab their job offers asap, so that there is less frustration around in the air :-|
This semester had a lot of offer and teach. I lost a couple of good friends. That made me sad. I got a lot more new friends. That made me happy. I got closer to a couple of really good friends(two of them are my big time crushes :D ) and can't think of life without them now! This makes me soo happy. And you know what makes me happiest? Having made up with some of the friends I had lost before. Feels great.
And ohh yes, I finally gave up on trying to hate love. Its pointless. I admit I was being a jerk only since I felt bitten and was too shy to trust my instincts. I'm glad I decided to finally let go of my mental block and give up trying to force myself to hate love. I like love. I love love. Its a lovely feeling. OK i'm not making sense right now. But, once more, I like love. I love being told I'm loved, by anyone and everyone. And I love doing the same to them. Loving and being grateful for every damn thing in your life makes you a happy person. Try it.
So with the semester coming to an end, I want to do as much as I can in the next semester, the last one. Before I step into the cruel cruel mad world outside. I want to read as many novels as I can lay my hands on. Download and watch as many movies as I can from the college hub. Roam around as many places I can go to in the last semester. Plan a lot of trips, treats, movies, outings, meetings, events.....a hell lot of thing before I graduate. Don't I sound like someone desperately fluttering around in panic because theres a huge avalanhe approaching? Believe me , I feel exactly the same right now.
By the way, If you made it till here. You are so freaking jobless aren't you :P
I made no sense. Just wanted to blabber random stuff. Never intended to make any sense at all !
good night :P
Saturday, November 13, 2010
#53
I'm going to jump straight at this before I put off writing or later(yet again, which mind you, hardly happens) OR I suddenly decide its not worth putting up.
A friend of mine has lately started to have issues with his friend he is really close to. This guy, lets call him T, stays in the hostel with a group, including S who he particularly considers as a close friend. Both of them are in different branches, due to which they T gets to hang out with S only in the evenings, owing to his hectic schedule. And now S has got involved in a college activity, with a huge responsibility and workload on his head. Due to this, he keeps terribly busy with work and his workmates, and ends up spending much more time at the workplace than with his hostelmates. Everything was fine until gradually T started to whine about S "ignoring" or "forgetting" his old friends and getting "too obsessed with new ones". I couldn't understand why he had to get so worked up over such a matter, I was sure it wasn't too big a deal to raise alarms about. I tried talking to other friends about the reason behind his insecurity and if there was something we could do about it. What they told me was a bit startling. They claim that S was partly to blame for this as he has done nothing despite himself realizing the distance that has crept in between him and his friends. He chooses to turn a deaf ear to them and conveniently put his new friends in priority over them, almost every single time.It has further aggravated by his constant raving about his new work-friends, almost all the time when he is with these people. This puts them off naturally , and so they have decided to let go of him since they don't see any chance of things improving. S on the other hand, is defiant and cannot understand why do they have to get so paranoid over such a trivial issue, specially T. He maintains that it is unreasonable for them to demand his attention in the same old way, when he is keeping terribly occupied with work. It miffs him to see that they aren't being supportive of him having built a great camaraderie with his work mates and can't understand why they don't put up with him.
Amidst all this, I'm in a big fix. I can totally relate both sides and can't blame one side for the tiny crisis here, but I can't get myself to fix it all up either. It bothers me to see friends drifting apart for petty issue as this, and desperately want to do something to make them realize the dumb blunder they are making in giving up on their amazing friendship due to such a silly silly silly reason.
I feel like giving these guys one big punch each on their faces, to get them to senses. This will boost my anti-male-breed ego too :D :D :D
But on a serious note, I need ideas .......
Anyone ?
A friend of mine has lately started to have issues with his friend he is really close to. This guy, lets call him T, stays in the hostel with a group, including S who he particularly considers as a close friend. Both of them are in different branches, due to which they T gets to hang out with S only in the evenings, owing to his hectic schedule. And now S has got involved in a college activity, with a huge responsibility and workload on his head. Due to this, he keeps terribly busy with work and his workmates, and ends up spending much more time at the workplace than with his hostelmates. Everything was fine until gradually T started to whine about S "ignoring" or "forgetting" his old friends and getting "too obsessed with new ones". I couldn't understand why he had to get so worked up over such a matter, I was sure it wasn't too big a deal to raise alarms about. I tried talking to other friends about the reason behind his insecurity and if there was something we could do about it. What they told me was a bit startling. They claim that S was partly to blame for this as he has done nothing despite himself realizing the distance that has crept in between him and his friends. He chooses to turn a deaf ear to them and conveniently put his new friends in priority over them, almost every single time.It has further aggravated by his constant raving about his new work-friends, almost all the time when he is with these people. This puts them off naturally , and so they have decided to let go of him since they don't see any chance of things improving. S on the other hand, is defiant and cannot understand why do they have to get so paranoid over such a trivial issue, specially T. He maintains that it is unreasonable for them to demand his attention in the same old way, when he is keeping terribly occupied with work. It miffs him to see that they aren't being supportive of him having built a great camaraderie with his work mates and can't understand why they don't put up with him.
Amidst all this, I'm in a big fix. I can totally relate both sides and can't blame one side for the tiny crisis here, but I can't get myself to fix it all up either. It bothers me to see friends drifting apart for petty issue as this, and desperately want to do something to make them realize the dumb blunder they are making in giving up on their amazing friendship due to such a silly silly silly reason.
I feel like giving these guys one big punch each on their faces, to get them to senses. This will boost my anti-male-breed ego too :D :D :D
But on a serious note, I need ideas .......
Anyone ?
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
#52 :-)
There are some people who happen to enter your life by merely a chance, but end up being stuck in your heart forever.. People you merely just met; gotten introduced to; started to work together with; smiled and ate together with. Little did you know that in these moments, you had begun to like those people and started to trust and open up to them. Little did you know, that 45 days of stay and revelry together in an institute during internship will cement a bond for a lifetime. A bond so strong that disregards distance and time. A bond that goes without having to say anything. A bond that you know is going to stay with you, come what may.
These are the people who made your summer the most special one. They are the ones who made fun of anything and everything about you, yet loved you dearly for who you were. These are the people who gobbled up your share of food while on an outing, but never forgot to save some for you while you struggled with your programs and missed you meals. They declared you crazy when you told them you forwent a foreign tour for this, and ensured that you had a crazier time with them, leaving you glad that you took that decision.
When they told you with tears in their eyes while you were leaving that they would keep in touch, you had a "yeah right, tell me something new" in your mind..while silently you wished for a "yes please" in your heart. Little did you know that they meant each and every word of it, and unfailingly do come poking in your life once in a while. They just have to know what is going on with your life, right from how your day went to what you wore for which occasion, failing which they don't think twice before unleashing a series of benisons at you, making you feel that dropping a nuclear bomb would have been a better option in such a case.
I say all this because its been an hour I have been staring at that one text in my inbox from Jay-B. I wonder how did she even know I was up at 4 am? "Talent hai hum main, dil ki baat padh lete hain" she'd say.
With jay-BYou know there is something so magical about friendship. The one that comes with no terms and conditions. You have had a terrible day with a series of unpleasant events happening in a row, and are unable to sleep all night. While you are killing your time puttering over in your room, wishing there was someone awake at this point whom you could let all the negative thoughts to, there is a beep on your cellphone with a text from a friend, telling you how much she loves you and wishes to meet you. it says she has you on her mind right now, and promises to visit you in the next semester once she gets placed.
G, Miami, Jay-bI can't stop smiling now. I am already beginning to get excited about the thought of meeting her and everyone else over again. Can't wait for the day when we'd meet, laughing and screaming our guts out and jumping and roaming around the city like retards, all over again. So now I have made up my mind to give another management entrance during my semester break, and choose a test centre in Delhi, ONLY so that I can fly down to the capital to be together with them all over again. I wish that day arrives soon =)
Sunday, September 12, 2010
#51 THAT friend
Don't you sometimes wish you had that one friend? A guy best friend. Since as long as you could have remembered. Played together. Ate together. Fought with each other. Grew up together. Did almost everything together. Only to realize how precious this innocent friendship is to you, how incomplete you are without each other? And so end up together. Forever. Happily ever after =)
I saw Aisha today. Result of utter boredom and monotony of placed-but-pretending-to-be-busy-with-CAT-so-can't-go-home phase of the final year. Hated to love it at some places, since its not the kind I'd associate myself with. But I was surprised to see how jealous I had got of the protagnist for wanting to have something she did. How impossible yet surreal the thought of having that friend in your life is.
I wish I was her.
I wish my life was a movie.
Ok, not THAT dramatic. But atleast eventful. A lot eventful :P
And oh with those music notes in the background too ;-)
Friday, September 10, 2010
#50 Jack and Jill
Jack and Jill,
Went up the hill
To build a house and live happily ever after..
Jack fell down
Broke his crown
And Jill went off with some Jhonny smarter.
PS: no intended resemblance. Don't care even if it is.
Went up the hill
To build a house and live happily ever after..
Jack fell down
Broke his crown
And Jill went off with some Jhonny smarter.
PS: no intended resemblance. Don't care even if it is.
Friday, September 3, 2010
#49 From one stranger to another
I just happened to stumble across Indian Homemaker's blog after a long time, and was shocked to read the latest posts on her space. She lost her daughter to dengue last month. My heart weeps out for mothers who lose their children in front of their eyes at such a tender age. How do they deal with the loss of those they give birth to, who have just started out in life ? IHM's daughter Tejaswee's letter to her future in her own blog link , is heart wrenching. The letter seems to have lifted off an unexplained and unknown agitation off my mind. I'm hooked to her mesmerising words and thoughts.
Tejasvi, here is to you. wherever you are. I don't know you, nor am I even remotely associated with you. Still I don't know why I'm compelled to do this. Seems like I have known you always, and will always do. From one stranger to another, Rest In Peace.
Tejasvi, here is to you. wherever you are. I don't know you, nor am I even remotely associated with you. Still I don't know why I'm compelled to do this. Seems like I have known you always, and will always do. From one stranger to another, Rest In Peace.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
#48 When I wish I could fight..
A couple of days back, I lost my temper at a friend. Pretty natural for a human, you'd say. But if you ask me, it is one of the life's hardest things to do. Manifestation of that anger that is. I have never really been able to learn the art of letting my anger out- at a right time, on the right person, and most importantly, in the right manner. This is one of the things I wish my parents had taught me ever. Expressing your feelings when its important and needed. Letting the other person know they are offending/ annoying/ hurting you, without causing any sort of bitterness between you both and still getting your point across in the right terms.
I hardly lose my temper at anyone. Rather, I hardly show it on the face. In most of the situations , I ignore the matter and forgive the person in my mind since personally I don't like picking up issues with people. It leads to unnessary bitterness due to lame reasons that could have been avoided at the first place, which usually take an ugly turn. I hate landing in such situations with people. I prefer to avoid when the people concerned should not really matter to me, its unnessary and they don't deserve the right to take away my peace of mind. And with those who mean to me, I prefer to keep mum, to hold up inside. Because I don't want to hurt myself in the process of fencing with them, for they won't even understand without snapping. More because I myself am incapable of putting forward an appropriate decent and intelligent argument, without making matters worse.
Every time I decide to face this demon and let my feelings show when it is SUPER IMPERATIVE, for some people who really really really need to know when they disturb me, I end up being at a terrible loss of words. Words that can exactly translate my thoughts and help me come out of the situation im in with the person. I normally end up shutting the conversation and/or fleeing the place and/ or shutting myself up somewhere alone AND/OR burst into tears. It spoils my mood for the entire day , and makes me tad bitter about the person while that person remains blissfully unaware of the tragedy going on at my end. This angers me more to see that person's indifference to my feelings, let alone feeling guilty about what he/she has done to me. And hence the tears. Some more tears. And then finally the cloud bursts open when it is too late, messing it all up and leaving the other person confused at first, annoyed later.
I really really really wish I had known how to fix it up, and save me from the botheration every single time. So that it doesnt turn into a serious issue in time to come. Because I can already see the symptoms developing. Because my dear Rubik's cube had to suffer the consequences that day when I ran back to my room after fighting with my friend, and threw it hard on the floor. Because it was one of my favourite things and kept me occupied when I was bored or unable to sleep, but owing to my stupidity, broke into hundreds of tiny pieces on the floor. Because my poor roommate had to clear it all up when she returned after a hectic day.
Because it sucks. Big Time.
I hardly lose my temper at anyone. Rather, I hardly show it on the face. In most of the situations , I ignore the matter and forgive the person in my mind since personally I don't like picking up issues with people. It leads to unnessary bitterness due to lame reasons that could have been avoided at the first place, which usually take an ugly turn. I hate landing in such situations with people. I prefer to avoid when the people concerned should not really matter to me, its unnessary and they don't deserve the right to take away my peace of mind. And with those who mean to me, I prefer to keep mum, to hold up inside. Because I don't want to hurt myself in the process of fencing with them, for they won't even understand without snapping. More because I myself am incapable of putting forward an appropriate decent and intelligent argument, without making matters worse.
Every time I decide to face this demon and let my feelings show when it is SUPER IMPERATIVE, for some people who really really really need to know when they disturb me, I end up being at a terrible loss of words. Words that can exactly translate my thoughts and help me come out of the situation im in with the person. I normally end up shutting the conversation and/or fleeing the place and/ or shutting myself up somewhere alone AND/OR burst into tears. It spoils my mood for the entire day , and makes me tad bitter about the person while that person remains blissfully unaware of the tragedy going on at my end. This angers me more to see that person's indifference to my feelings, let alone feeling guilty about what he/she has done to me. And hence the tears. Some more tears. And then finally the cloud bursts open when it is too late, messing it all up and leaving the other person confused at first, annoyed later.
I really really really wish I had known how to fix it up, and save me from the botheration every single time. So that it doesnt turn into a serious issue in time to come. Because I can already see the symptoms developing. Because my dear Rubik's cube had to suffer the consequences that day when I ran back to my room after fighting with my friend, and threw it hard on the floor. Because it was one of my favourite things and kept me occupied when I was bored or unable to sleep, but owing to my stupidity, broke into hundreds of tiny pieces on the floor. Because my poor roommate had to clear it all up when she returned after a hectic day.
Because it sucks. Big Time.
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