Thursday, May 26, 2011

#67 So Now What.

So now I have two options.

1. I can sit and wonder where and how these 4 years passed by so quickly. Look back and remember all the things done and achieved. Retrospect and analyze those that were not. Dig deeper into the reasons why they could not happen. Regret certain decisions that could not be made. And those that were made but should not have been, at that time. Curse myself for acting at certain points in haste and under the influence of emotions, and blame myself for not having used wiser discretion.
I can terribly miss my college and friends and all that bonds me to that place. I can sit and moan and sob over the time gone by and keep wishing that I somehow get all that back. To relive the good times, more importantly to undo the bad and redo it like it should have been done.

2. Or I can just miss the time gone by for a while, yes. But then I can just let things take me where they will. I can only look ahead and try to do all that I could have / could not have /should have / should not have/ must have / must not have in the time to come.

Monday, May 16, 2011

#66 Packed. Shifted. and Still Settling.

I am back home after ending my stint in college. Sounds too cliched but these 4 years really did seem to have passed by in a whiff. Before I could even sit back and analyse my journey of BTech, it was time to wind up and leave. Like everybody else, we had our share of coundowns and bucket lists and days of lasts . Tried as much as it was in our capacity to "enjoy the last few days in the college to the fullest", as they say. We all started the last semester with numerous plans and lists and ideas for the follwing weeks. Everyone was aware of what was going to be taken away pretty soon, and everyone did know they had to cherish each and every moment of it while they could- just no one exactly knew how. Umpteen farewells and treats and parties and outings and meetings later, it was never enough. Shirts were signed. Diaries were written. Photos were clicked. Revelations were made. Remebrances were done. Grudges were buried. Confessions were made. Tears were shed. Promises were made. And a hell lot of all that. Still, it just never seemed enough. There was always a desire for "thoda aur yaar..abhi bahut kuch baaki hai karna" . I felt so caught up in frantically trying to gather whatever bits I could from the moments that were left to our mercy. It felt like I would never ever be able to accept the 'end'. It was frustrating since amidst all the pressure of exams for which there was nil preparation ( ok this time I hadn't even bought the books ! ) and the major thesis, I still had scores of places to visit and restaurants to eat at and things to do in my list. There never seemed to be any end to my frenzy in trying to cling on to the place.

Until one day a week after exams were over and no dues forms were looming on our minds, a friend left for home early. The scene at the station of tears and wails of separation sent shivers down my spine. I knew this was going to be gazzilion times harder in my case, considering the over emotional and touchy person that I am. Suddenly the jeers of my friends over how drmatic my farewell would be, gave me a jolt and I realized I would certainly not be able to leave this way. It was going to be terribly ugly. That is when I decided to get the hell out of there and leave the college as early as possible, and snap the ties as abruptly as I could. That seemed to be the only solution to the spasms I kept getting every moment I was reminded of the college ending. In a day I was to pack the humungous amount of luggage i had collected in my hostel over the years, and parcel them back home along with my ride.

3 days later, I'm here sitting in my "home" the literal one, away from the place I called home for the last 4 years- a place that had grown into me. The events of the past 3 days keep rewinding in my head and I wonder how I managed through so many abrupt and unexpected events. My first time alone in non-AC ( and I reached home in one piece *claps* ), 5 cartons of luggage that I had nearly lost but received only yesterday, and most importantly, not shedding a single tear while I boarded my train. Very unexpected of me.

In retrospection I feel letting go was definitely a wiser and easier way out than holding on never being able to come out of the dream that was sure to end. Merely procrastinating wasn't going to give back my college days. I was almost like buying time for a dying patient. I am assured that I lived my college life, as much as it was in my capacity, infact much more than I could;ve envisaged. I know that the friends who'll be there will always be, irrespective of the distance. The ones who wont were never meant to be at the first place. I will make up for the places I msised going to in Bhopal sometime. Instead of trying to make futile attempts in undoing or starting afresh over the mistakes, I can better concentrate on the lessons learnt and take care in my future in Bangalore, where another chapter in my life begins in a couple of weeks. Instead of brooding and sulking over what all I left behind, I can only look back and smile at the memories I have of that place, and look ahead to the time that awaits me. All done and dusted from Bhopal, I am now definitely looking forward to life in Bangalore. Until then, its time for me to try to 'adjust' to the ways and routines of this place called home.