Sunday, August 29, 2010

#48 When I wish I could fight..

A couple of days back, I lost my temper at a friend. Pretty natural for a human, you'd say. But if you ask me, it is one of the life's hardest things to do. Manifestation of that anger that is. I have never really been able to learn the art of letting my anger out- at a right time, on the right person, and most importantly, in the right manner. This is one of the things I wish my parents had taught me ever. Expressing your feelings when its important and needed. Letting the other person know they are offending/ annoying/ hurting you, without causing any sort of bitterness between you both and still getting your point across in the right terms.
I hardly lose my temper at anyone. Rather, I hardly show it on the face. In most of the situations , I ignore the matter and forgive the person in my mind since personally I don't like picking up issues with people. It leads to unnessary bitterness due to lame reasons that could have been avoided at the first place, which usually take an ugly turn. I hate landing in such situations with people. I prefer to avoid when the people concerned should not really matter to me, its unnessary and they don't deserve the right to take away my peace of mind. And with those who mean to me, I prefer to keep mum, to hold up inside. Because I don't want to hurt myself in the process of fencing with them, for they won't even understand without snapping. More because I myself am incapable of putting forward an appropriate decent and intelligent argument, without making matters worse.
Every time I decide to face this demon and let my feelings show when it is SUPER IMPERATIVE, for some people who really really really need to know when they disturb me, I end up being at a terrible loss of words. Words that can exactly translate my thoughts and help me come out of the situation im in with the person. I normally end up shutting the conversation and/or fleeing the place and/ or shutting myself up somewhere alone AND/OR burst into tears. It spoils my mood for the entire day , and makes me tad bitter about the person while that person remains blissfully unaware of the tragedy going on at my end. This angers me more to see that person's indifference to my feelings, let alone feeling guilty about what he/she has done to me. And hence the tears. Some more tears. And then finally the cloud bursts open when it is too late, messing it all up and leaving the other person confused at first, annoyed later.

I really really really wish I had known how to fix it up, and save me from the botheration every single time. So that it doesnt turn into a serious issue in time to come. Because I can already see the symptoms developing. Because my dear Rubik's cube had to suffer the consequences that day when I ran back to my room after fighting with my friend, and threw it hard on the floor. Because it was one of my favourite things and kept me occupied when I was bored or unable to sleep, but owing to my stupidity, broke into hundreds of tiny pieces on the floor. Because my poor roommate had to clear it all up when she returned after a hectic day.

Because it sucks. Big Time.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

#47 Independence Day

This day means differently to different people. For me, it was a day to let go of certain shambles and scuffles in my life. It was a day to finally break free of the mind block that I had been carrying for over a year now, one that was a constant source of anguish and negativity. It was a day to take a stand and give justice to myself and my happiness, for a change. To let go of the unnecessary and unmindful thinking and over thinking and yet some more thinking of what they would think, say or react. It has always been about them. While I kept losing myself. Today I set free the real me that had become a slave of what I was trying to be. She is ecstatic, wild and free. She is happy. That is all that matters to me right now. First time in 21 years, I listened to my heart and just let it be !!

Happy Independence Day people :) I'm sure this day means something or the other to you too. If nothing more than just those clich├ęd independence day speeches and songs and a lazy holiday, its high time you searched for your reason.

Our college on Independence Day eve.. Love it :)

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

#46 Headstrong !

"When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back. A moment is more than enough time for us to decide whether or not to accept our destiny"
-Paulo Coelho

Couldn't have made more sense than it does to me today ... Hoping many more such moments ahead.. :)