Monday, December 29, 2008

#4 Home is where the heart is..

I’m home these days on sem-break. Imagine how it feels once you start living away from home in a hostel and get to just ‘visit’ your place on a vacation. First time I came home on vacation I felt wierd. everything was same as I left it, yet it felt so much different and strange. I still feel this , even though its like my 6th time back home after I joined college.

The first day goes in just roaming around the house and kindof ‘exploring’ it like I’m visiting some palace. everything seems to be so royal and grand ! takes quite some time to sink in that i DO have a proper home: sans long, long corridors of identical small rooms, always bustling and crowded with girls round the clock-walking, talking, chatting, laughing, singing, shouting, running, studying, sleeping- all within a radius of a few metres… that I have a bedroom which belongs to me, just me , and not to be shared with two other humans… a comfy bed which i can sleep on for hours without having to think about what the next day has in store for me.. that theres a kitchen which I can invade anytime and ask for dish I wish to have, no long waits in mess, only to return unsatisfied and praying for a better tasting meal next time.. no more waiting in long queues for going to washrooms,and to come out very very soon for others still waiting to get in..

I love being at home. im sure everyone does. its my shell, my comfort zone where I feel so protected, so secure. away from the harsh life outside, it’s a heaven my parents created for their kids,and I love retiring to this place before I set out to face the world again. the place seems to welcome me with open arms, like its been so dull and lonely without me, like its waiting for me to come and brighen it up. feels like it has missed me so much. I miss it too..

another thing I look forward to when im home is meeting those who were in my life before college and I left them behind. friends, cousins, relatives, school, classes, neighbourhood. these were the people who knew me from the start, these are the people who know what I am. I really don’t have to bother to make any efforts to get them to know me, like it happens now in college when I keep getting introduced to new people every now and then. but with my oldies its so much simple, so real. with them I can be me, just me… no strings attached.

above all the feeling of being with your parents, the only persons in your whole wide wild world who love you unconditionally, who always wish for your good without any self interest, who will always be at your behest no matter how old you are, where you are, what you are doing. your best critics yet the bestest counsellors ever. they are the only people you can turn to when the world turns its back to you. its beyond explanation.

you know there are times when you feel that there is no one worth trusting, no one sharing your heart out with, and the ones you thought were your so called ‘confidants’ have in fact disappointed and upset you, and now you no longer have a single soul to seek and lighten up your heart with the other one lending a calm patient ear to you without giving you his own share of crap?? or even times when you wish to share your feelings, thoughts, fears, joys, sorrows, or maybe just an incident, an experience, a lesson learnt, or any silly information; but scared of being laughed at, being gossiped about later on, being misinterpreted and misunderstood or even being not understood at all in the first place ???I go through these pretty often. believe me, the best way to deal with them is to go back to where you came from, your roots..

when I was in school and my brother was in Mumbai for his engineering, I would be pretty fascinated by the thought of him being independent. the prospect of being in full charge of your own actions was too fancy for my little brain to comprehend anything beyond having the liberty to do anything one feels like without parents restrictions. that mainly involved watching lots of movies, night outs with friends, having more junk food, more icecreams, more outings, more parties and most importantly uncontrolled shopping !! I would tell him how lucky he is and how much I wanted to grow up and join a hostel. and inturn he would tell me how lucky I was to be at home,where I could sit back and let others run my life for me.. he would tell me I’ll know only when I move out.

I would not understand then .

I do now..

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

#3 22 dec, 9:48 pm

22 minutes over and I still cant think of the perfect beginning of this post. Ok, I’ll better give some keywords, please work it out yourself :P [lazy I am. so what ! ]

semester over ..finally…
exams took 7 long weeks to eventually get over…
got a short vacation in between...
why ? don’t think I need to repeat the details, do I? most of you would know.. if u don’t, please don’t bother…
performance in exams? don’t ask.. horrible in most subjects, duh..
on my way back home…3rd trip in last 2 months…
as always, was looking forward to this day since the first exam…
had started packing ages back [who does not want to rush back home asap???]…
right now: in the train back home,
boring noisy co-passengers,
top berth,
reminiscing the semester that came and went,
strong urge to pour out the feelings crowding my mind...

** I do hope I finish and post this as soon as I reach home, not delay and laze around and give up**

ok..i guess I can start now.
don’t know how do I describe the semester that just got over. when I came back to college after summer vacations to join the second year,I was going through a mixed bag of extreme feelings..
grumpy about leaving home for the cruel outside world… anxious about what the coming term had in store for me… expecting things to be different from those in beginning year.. excited about making new associations and taking up responsibilities..u know,all the stuff that comes to u once you are a senior ;)
A lot lot lot many things happened to me. even a 100 page writeup wouldn’t do justice. apart from increased frequency of class bunks and canteen visits,i started involving more in the college and hostel affairs.. made new friends, got into more circles, college activities, hostel stuff, more parties, more outings.. blah blah..

and a hell lot of learning too..
I learnt that most of the things and people in the world aren’t actually what they seem to be..
I learnt never to make an opinion about something or someone and stick to it, you will most likely be wronged. be flexible and ready to accept any changes, even though they’ll be shocking…or even hurting.
I learnt that no matter how honest and innocent you are, the more you try to explain yourself to others, the more you are bound to be mistaken, so don’t even try.
I learnt to start accepting things if they don’t go in my favour, rather than trying to set them straight.
I learnt that if things are going to be fine, they eventually will, cribbing and mourning over them when they are not wont speed up the process.
I learnt to keep on doing good to others, and to be nice to them, knowing fully well that they mean no good to you, or worse, try to bother you somehow.
I learnt to let go of friends who don’t ever think nice for you, who were never your friends but just because you thought they were, you don’t have to be an ass and hold onto them even if it doesn’t work out with them.
I learnt to (this one is confusing) finally start to learn to stop getting disturbed by little petty issues that others create for me, because after much efforts and talks,I realised its their problem, not mine.
I learnt that its very important to be on atleast cordial terms with those you don’t get along well with, especially if you are dealing with them on a daily basis.
I learnt to always give people who hurt you another chance, maybe things work out and change for the better.. but after much persistence if they don’t, then you are being fooled and need to take immediate steps.
I learnt that people who try to act oversmart in front of you basically need your attention, and the more cool and less reacting you are to them, the sooner they’ll come down to their level and accept defeat.
I learnt not to worry about whatever nonsense people spread about me, and go about clearing them.. those who know me well would automatically know its untrue, those who’ll believe don’t deserve to know me anyway.

and finally…
last 3 days taught me never to lose faith in existence of good in this mean mean world….. that there are people who’ll enter right when you give up hopes of having true companions….. that there will be times when your old friends will start to come back to you after horrible mad bad times, closer than before….. that there are some angels who can give up their long awaited movie plans and dates just to plan a surprise and get that little smile on your face….. that there are some people a lot older to you, who decide to take you out, do things you never even imagined but at the end of the day ask you for your decision about a thing they intend to plan for you, and accept it respectfully even though you say no….. and that there are some extremely special friends who’ll go out of the way to do anything for you to assure you that they will still love you no matter how many problems and shit happen….

tonight for the first time I strongly feel I was wrong in believing that I wont have any memories to remember and miss after I graduate from this college. I have infact got extremely attached to some people here, and cannot imagine life without them. I feel truly blessed and loved and happy.

hope the ones I wish to tell all this read it. I wont be able to say it in words directly…..never.
good night :)

Saturday, December 6, 2008

#2 Its NOT only words....

There's a school of thought which says that you are what you think. I've heard this in a lot of places. The reasoning goes that your thoughts influence the way you act, and that influences everything around you. This plays a major role in shaping up your life. So your life is the harvest of your thoughts.I've given this a lot of thought. I've tried to apply it to my life. It isn't the sort of thing that can't easily be scientifically tested but I've come to the subjective conclusion that it is somewhat hogwash. Your life is not the result of just your thoughts. I think it is the result of your actions, situations, circumstances and many more factors.. and all the positive thinking mumbo jumbo in the world won't make a darned bit of difference if you don't follow up on it.
Ok… im not vehemently against having a positive outlook to life.. Being optimistic is definitely nice but in fact, I think that on some level this positive thinking stuff can actually be dangerous. Say,take the terminally ill. Now, a little imagery and positive thinking won't hurt anything and it could infact help somewhat in speeding up the recovery. But it wont change the whole blood chemistry or something. Can you imagine what it would feel like to be in that situation and be told that the reason you aren't well yet is because you didn't think positive enough??
Instead of telling kids that they'll do well on the test if they "see themselves making an A" , maybe we should emphasize that studying for it tends to make more of an impact. Getting down to actually doing the job might get it done, but just dreaming and thinking about it definitely wont. The harvest is usually much greater if you planted the seed and watered it religiously and pulled the weeds. Just thinking about how nice the crop would be, probably won't grow a crop.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

#1 for those who know me....and those who don't :)

So this is my first post..and I want it to be self explanatory as to what actually is to follow..Honestly, I have no idea how am I going to do this. and im not making any deliberate efforts either. Infact I cant settle my mind to decide what this blog is going to be about. Confused. often about making decisions.
Thought of making it funny. or witty. or serious. or spiritual. philosophical. educational. technical ???? or just a simple documentation of my quest for life: feelings, opinions, experiences, lessons,happiness, laughters, tears, frustrations, studies, work, college, friends, family, home, memories,..want it to be full of the various insightful observations I wanted it to be…well you get the point :/
I’ve been introduced to the world of blogging many years back. i think I was 13. was fascinated with the concept. decided I’ll start the day I grow up. that day never came. Infact I don’t understand what I meant by that. I guess I felt I needed to wait for many memories and thoughts and opinions, until I could start off, scared that I might run short of ideas. or maybe that I might just get bored of it. that usually happens with me. get soon bored with most of the hobbies I so enthusiastically take up. kept procrastinating.. i find it the best way to escape from venturing into stuff, duhh.…
Until now. 19 years of age. born in Kashmir. brought up in Semnan, Iran and then in Jammu, India. 2nd yr of B Tech from NIT,Bhopal. these days at home on a break. last day before heading back to hostel.. 12:40am. Since im not sleepy and looking for some worthwhile thing to do, the urge to just give a try to my long impending desire finally took over the laziness and much delaying....
So Here I Am. this is going to be the virtual me sharing and revealing and unfolding somethings with the virtual you :)
ps: hope i DO pursue this hobby, for quite a span of time atleast :D