Monday, June 27, 2011

#70 I Want To See A Dream Tonight

I want to see a dream tonight. I don't remember when was the last morning I woke up remembering seeing a dream.

I really want to see one tonight.

One that takes me out of this state of inactivity. One that proves to me that my life is not inanimated. One where I don't have to spend days staring at the fan. Or the laptop. Or at my Mom. One where I don't have to think of what to do, I should automatically have loads to do. One where I don't make it through the entire day without letting anyone or anything touch me.

I don't want to feel so devoid of color and music like I do these days. I don't want this to become a permanent feature in my life.

I don’t want to feel so sapped of energy.

I don't want to feel the lack of will / inspiration / motivation/ purpose to do just about anything.

I want to jump out of my bed with a bright wide smile on my face and a plan for the day charted out in advance. I want to run into people around me with a smile so contagious that they find themselves incapable of not smiling back at me. I want to sing in the shower while I'm loaded with work. I want to rush to my work and look forward to meeting my mates at office. I want to be able to stick post-its in my cubicle and cover it with bright vibrant colors. I want to feel very excited about a friend who bought a new iPad. I want to call friends over for a movie and open the terrace for them and make lots and lots of popcorns to last all night. I want to laugh and giggle until my stomach hurts. And go on laughing even after that. I want to write write about every little good thing about me and tell people how pretty they are. I want to get soaked in the rain, and not end up sneezing. I want to get a good night kiss every single night, and be cuddled to sleep.

I need to rid myself of the cynicism that makes me doubt this entire universe.

I need to find that part of me I want to call myself. I need to bury history. I need to see the future arrive. I need to embracde it with arms wide open and a smile stuck on my face, and most importantly, with a plan well thought of in my mind about living my future well.

I really need to see a dream tonight.

PS: I'm expected to be joining office in about a week. So pretty antsy

Monday, June 20, 2011

#68 Late Night Musings

On lazy hot summer like these, I often find myself lying about in my bed with a book or iPod with me but not realizing where the story is heading to or which song is playing because I'm too lost in flashbacks and future-planning. How it happened, where it started, what went right, where I went wrong, how things changed and then eventually got over. I find myself entangled in the could haves and should haves and also on how bad I want to make the would be's happen when I move into the new phase of life very soon..

As I wait for the call to join office, which i'm expecting to happen anytime within 15 days from now, I'm wondering at how life brings one back to the same spot in whichever manner to confront the same situations as one did before..
When school was getting over, there were hundreds of thoughts and questions running through my head. What will happen after this? Will I be able to perform well in entrances? Will I get into a good college? Will I make friends there? How will I be able to stay there for 4 years! How often will i be able to come home? Will the people be good to me? Will I survive in the world out there?
4 years hence, done and dusted with college, I find myself standing on the very same pedestal, asking the same questions..
What will happen after this?
Will I be able to perform well?
Will I make friends there?
How will I be able to stay there for I-don't-know-how-many years!
How often will I be able to visit home?
Will the people be good to me?
Will I survive in the world out there?

The worries and apprehensions are the same.The only difference being the college has now been replaced by the IT industry, and the world now no longer means just the college mates..

Did I tell you it's FREAKING THE HELL OUTTA ME !!!