Sunday, August 29, 2010

#48 When I wish I could fight..

A couple of days back, I lost my temper at a friend. Pretty natural for a human, you'd say. But if you ask me, it is one of the life's hardest things to do. Manifestation of that anger that is. I have never really been able to learn the art of letting my anger out- at a right time, on the right person, and most importantly, in the right manner. This is one of the things I wish my parents had taught me ever. Expressing your feelings when its important and needed. Letting the other person know they are offending/ annoying/ hurting you, without causing any sort of bitterness between you both and still getting your point across in the right terms.
I hardly lose my temper at anyone. Rather, I hardly show it on the face. In most of the situations , I ignore the matter and forgive the person in my mind since personally I don't like picking up issues with people. It leads to unnessary bitterness due to lame reasons that could have been avoided at the first place, which usually take an ugly turn. I hate landing in such situations with people. I prefer to avoid when the people concerned should not really matter to me, its unnessary and they don't deserve the right to take away my peace of mind. And with those who mean to me, I prefer to keep mum, to hold up inside. Because I don't want to hurt myself in the process of fencing with them, for they won't even understand without snapping. More because I myself am incapable of putting forward an appropriate decent and intelligent argument, without making matters worse.
Every time I decide to face this demon and let my feelings show when it is SUPER IMPERATIVE, for some people who really really really need to know when they disturb me, I end up being at a terrible loss of words. Words that can exactly translate my thoughts and help me come out of the situation im in with the person. I normally end up shutting the conversation and/or fleeing the place and/ or shutting myself up somewhere alone AND/OR burst into tears. It spoils my mood for the entire day , and makes me tad bitter about the person while that person remains blissfully unaware of the tragedy going on at my end. This angers me more to see that person's indifference to my feelings, let alone feeling guilty about what he/she has done to me. And hence the tears. Some more tears. And then finally the cloud bursts open when it is too late, messing it all up and leaving the other person confused at first, annoyed later.

I really really really wish I had known how to fix it up, and save me from the botheration every single time. So that it doesnt turn into a serious issue in time to come. Because I can already see the symptoms developing. Because my dear Rubik's cube had to suffer the consequences that day when I ran back to my room after fighting with my friend, and threw it hard on the floor. Because it was one of my favourite things and kept me occupied when I was bored or unable to sleep, but owing to my stupidity, broke into hundreds of tiny pieces on the floor. Because my poor roommate had to clear it all up when she returned after a hectic day.

Because it sucks. Big Time.

6 comments:

ankita said...

Hey geetu.. u kno wat..."anger" according to me is a completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion.. but to fix every thing up, as you said you want to... i wud just advice you to express ur anger in a more assertive manner then aggressive manner.. n believe me you can do tht..:).. anger "can" be suppressed, converted and redirected..;)..

D2 said...

Don't let this get you down. Everyone's different and deal with anger in their own unique ways. I'm destructive too. I've broken jars of jam (with one half full, once :( ) and dented plates and broken some more. I'm not proud of it, bit at the end of the day, I feel a little better. Just use your head and don't break the things you value! You'll even become a little calmer once you realize that there's loads of stuff that you DON'T want to break at any cost!
On a lighter note, I really really really think you should get a punching bag! Punching is a great method of venting anger and frustration. That's what I used to do when I was upset for long stretches. Unfortunately, I did not have a bag. RELAX! You're fine. :)

G said...

@pantu: EXACTLY my problem; not the anger, but the 'assertive expression' of it.. i choose to not express at all, which results in aggression at a place not required.. will have to learn the 'redirecting' part though ;-)

G said...

@ D2: my unique way is not having any way at all :|
the punching bag idea is good.. i always wanted one actually. but i wonder if i can find a decent one here in bhoooooopal :O

Gurdit said...

I'm pretty sure you're not the only one with an issue with expressing anger. I'm kinda like that too, but in a reverse manner. I have a short fuse. :P

Strangely though, apparently no one in XLRI has seen me blow my top yet. I think I only yell at the ones closest to me ... another common human problem.

$$ said...

If you figure out a solution, please share with me too! :p :p
You have a collection of some nice posts out here! Cheers! :) :)