#82. The customary year-end post

The compulsive urge to write a post for the year end. The post-mortem. Reflections. Introspections. Achievements. Regrets. Analysis. Would-haves and could-haves.
I'll try to make it as short as possible and hit the publish button before I get distracted again and repent later on for being too late to post.
December 31st is always the day for me where I get this panicky feeling of something important slipping off my hands. Its like, there is so much to do in the year and it has to be stopped from ending so soon. This time, surprisingly, I noticed that I am actually looking forward to the new year. Not because I wish to wash my hands off 2011 ( I have friends slobbering my FB feeds with "good riddance" " RIP 2011" etc etc since morning ), but because there is nothing about 2011 that wants me to hold it back. It has been a pretty much kind year to me, so to say. There were lows, but there were lots of highs too and that is what I will choose to focus on and take along with me to the new year. It has also been a year of many firsts, including my first job, a memory I will never forget for life. I also met many new faces, some of whom went on to make my life even more beautiful with their presence, whom I would never want to let go. On the other hand I held on to some people I should have ideally let go of, a decision which has turned out to be both correct and incorrect. Guess that is how it is with some people who mean so much to you that you just let them in no matter what. It taught me a very important lesson of forgiveness and compromise, and also the need to stand one's ground when needed.
If I look back, 2011 to me was about little joys and a lot of learning.
Resolutions for the new year? None. Its not like I'm going to shed skin in 2011 and dress into a new one altogether in 2012 at the stroke of midnight. For me starting afresh in the new years is just an excuse to make a more conscious effort to become a better me. Thats all.
How do I bring in the new year? No party. No sharty. Just a quiet evening with the 3 people who mean the world to me. And I'm glad both my brother and I managed to make it home together to end 2011 and bring in 2012 with the parents. Could I have asked for anything better ? :-)

Wish you a very very Happy and Prosperous New Year. Stay blessed.

#81. Of living in the past

Sometimes silence is the best rebuttal. And sometimes no response is acceptable.
Sometimes you feel at loss of words to explain yourself. Sometimes words are just not enough.
Sometimes people don't know how to deal with you when you are pissed. Sometimes they piss you with the way they deal with you.
Sometimes its their fault. Mostly its no one's.
Sometimes you wish you knew what to say to cheer your friend up. Sometimes you feel its better to shut the hell up.
Sometimes you wish your friend knew exactly what to say to you. Sometimes the telepathy just does not work.

Guess it never works your way !
Meh.


I began writing this post an hour back, out of guilt for not being able to find the will to write ( the same old excuse right? ). And like always, I got drifted to other things on the net and started chatting with an old friend after a lot time. We have been pretty much disconnected for a very long time now and are trying our best to bring things at a cordial level again, if not the same. Somehow, everytime we try to have a conversation, I find this friend upset with life. Over the regular daily issues. To you or me they might seem trivil, but for this friend of mine they are a major source of unhappiness. It bothers me to see him always dejected and brooding over things he has to deal with at his personal as well as professional fronts. I tried hard to cheer him up a couple of times, but failed evey time he started to express his unhappiness. Lately I started to notice a trend in the conversations, that of him tending to regress to past. I realized he is clinging on his past too much to be able to embrace with open arms whatever his present has to offer to him. Our conversations mostly start with "there was a time when..", "remember those days" , "it used to be nice then" and end with "nothing is the same" , "wish those times come back" , " everything has changed" , "no one is the same anymore" .
It struck me, don't we all live that way? Always comparing our present with that of our 'glorious' past. We refuse to live in the moment. We refuse to acknowledge that something good could possible be in store for us. We expect our world to stay static. As it was weeks, months, years back. We fail to realize the change in dates is more to do with just striking them off the calendar.
I thought of giving him a long sermon to shake him into senses, but then I realized I am no authority to do that. So I decided to rather write about it to remind myself to consciously make an effort to not complain and worry too much about what is happening and why is it not happening the way I want, or the way it used to be.
And also because I did not have the strength and patience to put this across to my friend in one go without him interrupting me to stop selling him eutopian dreams. Buddy, I know you'd be reading this. Life has never been rosy, it never will. The future is always going to freak the hell out of you. The present will keep challenging you every single moment. But the past was never so rosy either. The only reason you have made peace with past is because its done and dusted with. It no longer intimidates you. The only reason you like the past now is because you are familiar with it and wish to relive it. But that shall never happen, and thank God for that. Else you would have never grown up. Face the present, it is never easy but that is what you really need to. Things will be much easier for you if you make peace with them.
:)

#80. Of Pondicherry and 10 years with SAP

Yesterday we had a tiny celebration in the team. The manager had returned last week from a trip to Barcelona and brought chocolates and goodies for us. It also happened to be his 10 years with SAP.

" 10 years !!? " I ask. " How ?"

~ " Did you realize how you too are 4 months old in office already? Thats how ;) " . I get a reply.
" It seems like a vast ocean to me. And I'm still learning how to swim. Still not confident enough to take the plunge without holding on to someone. When will I be able to learn and get on at it entirely on my own. "

~ " You remember how three days back you were so scared of getting into water at the beach in Pondicherry? And how your entire team came together to build a wall around you to help you get in. Remember how they would hold you everytime you felt you'd fall. I saw how in no time you gained confidence and plunged in deeper in the water with everyone around you moving forward with you"

" Yes I remember, it couldn't have been possible without them. I loved how they helped me overcome my fear and blend in"
~ " There you go. You have the answers. It would work exactly the same way here. Everyone is there to help you out. That is why we all are a team, afterall."


PS: Had a team outbound to Pondicherry 3 days back.
3 days. 150 people. 4 buses. 8 hours journey.
Now I know what they really meant by Work Hard. Party Harder

#79 . T.G.I.F.

If there is any living creature whos happier than me for the week having finally ended- its ME.

From a friend coming over from another city to my place to us going over to our guy- friends' place for a sleep-over last weekend.
From a bunch of buffoons joking and cracking up a moment to a turn around of the mood the very next moment.
From a silly stupid haggling of two friends to an entire sleepless night looking for the girl disappearing from the place.
From clueless frantic search to a lot of revelations about our groupmates.
From a lazy start of week in office to the thrusting of a hectic training schedule for the month.
From the long holiday hangover to frantic preparations for the check session with the project manager.
From dreading a massive goof-up in the check session with the biggies in the team on Thursday to pulling off my demo quite well.
From a flatmate's midnight birthday celebration to beady eyes in office next day.
From the dinner party of the flatmate at a restaurant to another flatmate's horrifying sudden epileptic attack.
From raising a toast to the birthday girl's health to reviving the other girl back to consciousness the next minute.
I saw it all this week.
I'm glad the week is finally over.

Dear God, slow down please, pretty please.
Atleast until I'm able to sleep it all off. OK ?

#78 The "aur bata" syndrome

Is it just me or is everyone else going through the same dillemas of "aur bata...kya chal raha hai aajkal.." ??

Its only been a couple of months since college is over, and calling someone to make a conversation seems like the hardest thing. It is happening too much, nay, almost always, these days. I hardly have anything to talk, invariably I end up repeating the line "aur bata" and when asked the same, I just have "nothing much yaar.. tu bata? " to return. There have been times when both speak the same lines endless times , followed with an uneasy silence..until one of us decides to break the ice with a "chal yaar..will call you later" .
It is not like initiating a conversation or chattering with friends is such a hard thing for me to do. I usually am very talkative, and find it quite easy to come up with things to talk about. People who've known me for long know how effortlessly conversations over the phone or gtalk can run for hours and until late in the nights, sharing every possible bit of update with them. Obviously, I'm one of those who believed that constant, or atleast frequent communication is important after leaving college. With almost everyone she knew, or atleast the ones she believed deserved to be in touch with. Afterall, we all have shared a part of lives together, they sure should atleast be aware of what is going on now.

But somehow I see myself failing to keep up with the constant pressure of this "keeping-in-touch" business. And deep inside I know what is at cause. I find it pointless calling up a friend just for the heck of it, only to utter the cliched "aur bata... idhar kuch khaas nahin, tu bata ? " every single time . It irks even more when, if by chance either of the two manages to share some piece of information, to be replied to almost instantaneously with a "yeah I read your facebook / twitter/ gTalk / 4square < insert any other of the gazillian social networking sites here> update...cool.......aur bata? "

Got my drift ?


These sites have made real- life conversations almost impossible. "Catching up after a long time" seems to have lost its entire meaning when all it includes is " must've read my updates / seen the album I uploaded ? " . What extra can I possibly talk about with a friend whose day-by-day ( or even minute-by-minute, in some cases) updates I'm being slapped with on the internet ? We prefer publishing our lives for everyone to read over picking up the phone and making a friend feel special. There were times when a phone call or a small note for me after even a long hiatus would make me feel remembered and special. Returning the favor meant having a special place in the heart for that friend. But today, it feels almost nothing to read about whats going on in their lives on Facebook, just a superficial validation of the fact that we are "friends still in touch" .

Maybe its not as grim as I make it sound, the friendships are still strong and dear. The friends still remain the same as they always are. I just can't help introspecting on whether the means we choose to keep in touch are puling us apart , or bringing us closer? Or way too closer to comfort ?

I don't know what is the resolution to this feeling, how do I make conversations with my friends more real and less of virtual.. But for now, I need to call a bestie and ask her details of this outing she posted about on her profile.

#77 . But I Thought He Was Different

Ah. That line .

The number of times you've heard the "But he seemed different from others " line . The number of times you fall for it yourself. The number of times you started to believe this was what you always wanted. The number of times you realize how it isin't and admit in resigned anguish the joke of a line it is. Accompanied with a suppressed yet hopeful sigh that he will appear from nowhere to hold you tight and softly whisper in your ear " I am..Trust me" .

But then, is he ??

#76. Steve jobs

“No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don’t want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life’s change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.


“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”

To one who changed the way I wake up and go to sleep and almost everything I do in between.
R.I.P.

Image courtesy: http://jmak.tumblr.com/post/9377189056#disqus_thread

#75. Things I've been doing over the weeks in lieu of posting.

1. Trying to keep pace with the super sonic speed of life in Bangalore. I've been stuck in weekday-weekend cycles, and am left wondering where does all the time fly.

2. Realized that setting up a full-fledged house to live is is not as easy and 'fun' as it seemed to be. Took us almost a month to get the kitchen running in full swing. We decided to manage dinner by cooking on our own instead of choosing other unhealthy options. Although it takes us much more time than what it should ideally take to put together a meal of rotis and veggies, there's nothing more satisfying than the taste of hand made home food.

3. Getting myself moulded into the life of an adult, with juggling between office and home, work and groceries and garbage bins and laundry and such stuff. All this leaves me exhausted by the end of the day to be able to pick up any extra read or movie. Don't even ask about the blog.


4. Taking up all the responsibilities and handling chores on my own has made me appreciate the role of mothers in life a lot. Need I say more on this ?

5. Joined the team a few weeks back, although I haven't been formally given any task in the official. There is still a hell lot of learning to do before I'd be able to independently share any team work. Here in SAP Labs, they follow the 10-20-70 rule : 10 % classroom training , 20% guidance and 70% hands-on experience. I was directly given a case study with a week's time, one that I had absolutely no clue about. Struggled a lot initially and eventually took a while longer than I was supposed to take, but managed to pull it off pretty well. Realized the best way to learn is not through any constant hammering on the head, but by actually getting down to doing the work, making mistakes, rectifying them and getting good at it. Now I feel much more confident about how the things I fiddled with during my case study work than I ever did when I was being "taught" about them.

6. Joined the gym . And surprisingly keeping quite regular with it, thank you very much. As lame as it might sound to you, it is a big achievement for me since for years the closest I've ever been to exercising has been must have been bending down to pick up a dropped pen. Yeah , that bad.
So unless its unavoidable, I make it a point not to miss workout after a day's work at office, even if its just 15 minutes of cycling. What makes it easier is the little candy-watching that I get to do with all the cute guys from office coming there too ;)

7. Played Agony Aunt to many. Yeah. Everywhere I went , I found myself listening to personal problems of friends and trying to help them out with whatever solutions I could offer. Or would just listen patiently until the other person felt better just by sharing. I've learnt that speaking your heart out to someone makes you feel umpteen times better, listening to someone do that makes you feel so even more. Suddenly all my little troubles seemed so trivial and took a back seat while I took charge of cheering them up. If I managed to bring a smile on someone even for a split second, or maybe just helped them from breaking down, I feel honored.

8. Speaking of help and generosity, October is the month of service in SAP Labs, where employees pledge their time out from their schedule for social work. I'm quite impressed by the policy of the company of laying stress on the importance of realizing our duty towards the society and not losing the human within us to the cacophony of the professional world. They encourage employees , as a part of Corporate Social Responsibility to participate in such activities once in a while as per their will. The entire month of October is dedicated to a variety of events ( link) and I plan to participate in as many as I can ,since I have ample time as a fresher joinee. Because it makes me happy.

As I type this, my watch tells me its midnight already, high time I should go off to sleep if I wish to reach office well in time and pull off the day without dozing off on my desk.
Funny how in hostel midnight was when I used to be the most active. Sigh.

Good Night.

# 74 Look the stars.... look how they shine for you

“Arsenal jobs are really good. But do you really want to
pick up and move to a whole new city
and start all over from scratch?”
- George Riley

#73 today is the beginning of the rest of my life

Close to one month of being in Bangalore. Seems like yesterday when I landed at this place with just a bag and a laptop, as clueless and nervous as ever at the thought of having to accept whatever this city had to offer to me. I remember clearly not being able to sleep in the hotel that night. I was a nervous wreck. The thought of entering the corporate world with not even an iota of idea what I am supposed to be doing was freaking me out. To add to my woes, my parents who were supposed to arrive after a couple of days to help me settle, had to cancel their plans at the last minute. To say I was devastated won't be an overstatement. So there I was, left all alone to deal with the world, along with just a couple of t-shirts and a pair of jeans, and a couple of 'new friends' I had made that day, who were probably as confused as I , if not more.
Fast forward a month, and say hello to a different me. I no longer dread this place, I have learnt to haggle with the localites in sign language. I have started to enjoy the blaring Kannada music in the cabs. I have decided to accept that a plate of two gulabjamuns costs 100 bucks, and there is no restaurant that serves north indian food I can even remotely relish. I finally managed to find a flat to live in, barely saving myself from being shelterless. I have stopped cribbing about the exhorbitant 2.5 lakhs rent security. I have fallen in love with the weather. I have started to embrace the city as it has embraced me with such a warm welcome. And the friends that I made on the first day ..... they are my lifeline =]
So today is going to be a beginning of an entirely new life. I feel like being born again. First salary credited to my account ( big wide evil grin ) , I suddenly feel empowered to make my own decisions, follow my own will, make my own choices. With luggage and scooty shifted to the new flat, I can't wait for office to end so I can rush to the apartment and set it up all by myself. Get the electircity, gas and net connections.Decide the decors and furniture and every little thing. Start experimenting in the kitchen. I know its not going to be easy, once the trianing ends and the project begins. I will most likely be fretting over the amount of load that'd be thrusted upon me from all ends. But somehow I find myself looking forward to all of that earnestly. I want to experience it all. Take charge of my life. Have a control over things I do and most importantly, on the things that happen to me. There cnanot be a better time than now to leave behind all the baggage and pick up new ones ;-)

#72 Reporting from Bangalore

3 weeks. I fail to understand how 3 weeks flew by so fast. Life has suddenly picked up an acceleration of 20x and I am still struggling to catch hold of the seat belt, let alone match the pace. But just to cut the long story short, I shifted to Bangalore. Joined office. Finally found a flat which I would be moving in on Aug 1st. Made friends.

To sum up the experience in a word.


A.W.E.S.O.M.E.

(except for the depressing hair fall ofcourse *sniff* )





Will get back to posting more frequently when I "settle in properly". Whatever that means.
adios.

# 71 This is one of those posts in hurry!

This is going to be very short. Just an update actually.

I'm packing and shifting again. Boy don't I feel like a qualified nomad now!!


Its not like I'm moving out of home to live alone in another city. I did just that 4 years back when I joined college. Despite being 4 years older and more mature and capable of managing things alone, I'm a nervous wreck right now. So is my Mom. So is my Dad. And that gives me more butterflies. More like the pangs of separation. It sure feels weird leaving home every time. The only consolation is that my parents will soon join me in a week or so and help me find a place to live and settle in.

Going into what they say a new phase in life. All I can do is hope and pray for it to hold something good in store for me !
I should sleep early tonight. I'm exhausted and have some packing left to do in the morning before my flight departs. Good Night.

#70 I Want To See A Dream Tonight

I want to see a dream tonight. I don't remember when was the last morning I woke up remembering seeing a dream.

I really want to see one tonight.

One that takes me out of this state of inactivity. One that proves to me that my life is not inanimated. One where I don't have to spend days staring at the fan. Or the laptop. Or at my Mom. One where I don't have to think of what to do, I should automatically have loads to do. One where I don't make it through the entire day without letting anyone or anything touch me.


I don't want to feel so devoid of color and music like I do these days. I don't want this to become a permanent feature in my life.

I don’t want to feel so sapped of energy.

I don't want to feel the lack of will / inspiration / motivation/ purpose to do just about anything.

I want to jump out of my bed with a bright wide smile on my face and a plan for the day charted out in advance. I want to run into people around me with a smile so contagious that they find themselves incapable of not smiling back at me. I want to sing in the shower while I'm loaded with work. I want to rush to my work and look forward to meeting my mates at office. I want to be able to stick post-its in my cubicle and cover it with bright vibrant colors. I want to feel very excited about a friend who bought a new iPad. I want to call friends over for a movie and open the terrace for them and make lots and lots of popcorns to last all night. I want to laugh and giggle until my stomach hurts. And go on laughing even after that. I want to write write about every little good thing about me and tell people how pretty they are. I want to get soaked in the rain, and not end up sneezing. I want to get a good night kiss every single night, and be cuddled to sleep.


I need to rid myself of the cynicism that makes me doubt this entire universe.

I need to find that part of me I want to call myself. I need to bury history. I need to see the future arrive. I need to embracde it with arms wide open and a smile stuck on my face, and most importantly, with a plan well thought of in my mind about living my future well.



I really need to see a dream tonight.



PS: I'm expected to be joining office in about a week. So pretty antsy

#69 My Kashmir Hangover

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#68 Late Night Musings

On lazy hot summer like these, I often find myself lying about in my bed with a book or iPod with me but not realizing where the story is heading to or which song is playing because I'm too lost in flashbacks and future-planning. How it happened, where it started, what went right, where I went wrong, how things changed and then eventually got over. I find myself entangled in the could haves and should haves and also on how bad I want to make the would be's happen when I move into the new phase of life very soon..

As I wait for the call to join office, which i'm expecting to happen anytime within 15 days from now, I'm wondering at how life brings one back to the same spot in whichever manner to confront the same situations as one did before..
When school was getting over, there were hundreds of thoughts and questions running through my head. What will happen after this? Will I be able to perform well in entrances? Will I get into a good college? Will I make friends there? How will I be able to stay there for 4 years! How often will i be able to come home? Will the people be good to me? Will I survive in the world out there?
4 years hence, done and dusted with college, I find myself standing on the very same pedestal, asking the same questions..
What will happen after this?
Will I be able to perform well?
Will I make friends there?
How will I be able to stay there for I-don't-know-how-many years!
How often will I be able to visit home?
Will the people be good to me?
Will I survive in the world out there?

The worries and apprehensions are the same.The only difference being the college has now been replaced by the IT industry, and the world now no longer means just the college mates..


Did I tell you it's FREAKING THE HELL OUTTA ME !!!

#67 So Now What.

So now I have two options.

1. I can sit and wonder where and how these 4 years passed by so quickly. Look back and remember all the things done and achieved. Retrospect and analyze those that were not. Dig deeper into the reasons why they could not happen. Regret certain decisions that could not be made. And those that were made but should not have been, at that time. Curse myself for acting at certain points in haste and under the influence of emotions, and blame myself for not having used wiser discretion.
I can terribly miss my college and friends and all that bonds me to that place. I can sit and moan and sob over the time gone by and keep wishing that I somehow get all that back. To relive the good times, more importantly to undo the bad and redo it like it should have been done.

2. Or I can just miss the time gone by for a while, yes. But then I can just let things take me where they will. I can only look ahead and try to do all that I could have / could not have /should have / should not have/ must have / must not have in the time to come.

#66 Packed. Shifted. and Still Settling.

I am back home after ending my stint in college. Sounds too cliched but these 4 years really did seem to have passed by in a whiff. Before I could even sit back and analyse my journey of BTech, it was time to wind up and leave. Like everybody else, we had our share of coundowns and bucket lists and days of lasts . Tried as much as it was in our capacity to "enjoy the last few days in the college to the fullest", as they say. We all started the last semester with numerous plans and lists and ideas for the follwing weeks. Everyone was aware of what was going to be taken away pretty soon, and everyone did know they had to cherish each and every moment of it while they could- just no one exactly knew how. Umpteen farewells and treats and parties and outings and meetings later, it was never enough. Shirts were signed. Diaries were written. Photos were clicked. Revelations were made. Remebrances were done. Grudges were buried. Confessions were made. Tears were shed. Promises were made. And a hell lot of all that. Still, it just never seemed enough. There was always a desire for "thoda aur yaar..abhi bahut kuch baaki hai karna" . I felt so caught up in frantically trying to gather whatever bits I could from the moments that were left to our mercy. It felt like I would never ever be able to accept the 'end'. It was frustrating since amidst all the pressure of exams for which there was nil preparation ( ok this time I hadn't even bought the books ! ) and the major thesis, I still had scores of places to visit and restaurants to eat at and things to do in my list. There never seemed to be any end to my frenzy in trying to cling on to the place.

Until one day a week after exams were over and no dues forms were looming on our minds, a friend left for home early. The scene at the station of tears and wails of separation sent shivers down my spine. I knew this was going to be gazzilion times harder in my case, considering the over emotional and touchy person that I am. Suddenly the jeers of my friends over how drmatic my farewell would be, gave me a jolt and I realized I would certainly not be able to leave this way. It was going to be terribly ugly. That is when I decided to get the hell out of there and leave the college as early as possible, and snap the ties as abruptly as I could. That seemed to be the only solution to the spasms I kept getting every moment I was reminded of the college ending. In a day I was to pack the humungous amount of luggage i had collected in my hostel over the years, and parcel them back home along with my ride.

3 days later, I'm here sitting in my "home" the literal one, away from the place I called home for the last 4 years- a place that had grown into me. The events of the past 3 days keep rewinding in my head and I wonder how I managed through so many abrupt and unexpected events. My first time alone in non-AC ( and I reached home in one piece *claps* ), 5 cartons of luggage that I had nearly lost but received only yesterday, and most importantly, not shedding a single tear while I boarded my train. Very unexpected of me.

In retrospection I feel letting go was definitely a wiser and easier way out than holding on never being able to come out of the dream that was sure to end. Merely procrastinating wasn't going to give back my college days. I was almost like buying time for a dying patient. I am assured that I lived my college life, as much as it was in my capacity, infact much more than I could;ve envisaged. I know that the friends who'll be there will always be, irrespective of the distance. The ones who wont were never meant to be at the first place. I will make up for the places I msised going to in Bhopal sometime. Instead of trying to make futile attempts in undoing or starting afresh over the mistakes, I can better concentrate on the lessons learnt and take care in my future in Bangalore, where another chapter in my life begins in a couple of weeks. Instead of brooding and sulking over what all I left behind, I can only look back and smile at the memories I have of that place, and look ahead to the time that awaits me. All done and dusted from Bhopal, I am now definitely looking forward to life in Bangalore. Until then, its time for me to try to 'adjust' to the ways and routines of this place called home.

#65 Complan Girl

Do not ask me what is with the new blog url ...
Emergency measure . Could not think of anything else..

but this !!! Seriously ???
:


I know i can't get lamer than this
but

extreme times call for extreme measures.


ps: come to think of it , can the fact that I'm still 'growing-up' be taken as a justification?? Do let me know if you have any better excuse :P

pps: exam time ! Last majors of college :(

#64

Sitting down to type a post on a particular issue in the head seems impossible now. There are days when I’m absolutely out of things to say/ do / think of. And then there are the days when I wish I had 36-hour long days. Last couple of months I was as idle as I could ever be, trying to look for stuff to do to save myself from succumbing to boredom post early-placement. However, the last 10 days have suddenly thrust upon me a jam-packed schedule for the last one month left of us in the college. It pinches the tiny corner of my heart everytime I think of the few counted days left. There were so many times when I prayed to God to get me out of this place. Now all I can do is pray for time to run as slow as possible, but He seems to be in no mood to listen to me!!
So since I’m too lazy and at loss of ample time for separate updates, here’s a glance at all that happened in my otherwise not-so-happening life in the past weeks.
1. Microsoft got scheduled to arrive in college for placement on around 14th Feb, for which I was eligible too, Microsoft being open for all every year. The same time my brother scheduled his visit to home from UK. He had planned a trekking trip to the Himalayas too, and I do not remember looking forward to a holiday this excitedly for many years now..
2. As luck would have it, MS postponed its schedule to 24th , and messed up all plans. Brother could only reschedule for 2 days later, so it was decided that I’d skip going home for the family reunion, and meet him in Delhi when he arrives instead. So I could get back to college and appear for the company, on the insistence of my family and friends who thought it was stupid to let go of the opportunity to go home, even though my prep was nil. I did the same only to be told on arrival at the written test hall that the placement cell decided at the last moment to modify the policies, which barred me from appearing since I was placed already. That left me extremely upset for having missed being with the entire family together after 6 long years, that too for something I wasn’t even allowed to participate in. I was told later that this was decided long back , which made me even more bitter for listening to some people who influenced my decision for staying back. I still get bitter at time I get reminded of the whole fiasco.
3. On the brighter side though, I got gifted my new toy by brother :D :D .. and im in LOVE with it !!Can’t get my eyes and hands off it for more than 98 seconds :D
4. College fest in first week of march was crazy fun. !! This time me and my group of friends decided to not participate seriously, but just have random fun at all the events. Lots of running around, candy watching, screaming , howling, dancing , paint ball ( I chickened out and took shelter behind the guys :) ), the nightout (do not tell my mom about it , please ).. Ohh and did I tell you, I even got a picture clicked with the JAL band :D :D
The sudden death of a junior in a road accident was unfortunate though, and marred the excitement. R.I.P. dear junior.
5. This time I followed the cricket world cup from the semi finals, never has cricket been so thrilling !! Watching India’s matches in the hostel with 200 girls is a chaos, and watching the same on the big screen with thousands of others is a riot!! From face paints to trumpets to howling our throats out to hugging random strangers to newspaper pom-poms to mindless cheerleading, we did it all .

Does this still gives you the goosebumps :D

6. Our college magazine came out today. An entire year of our hardwork finally paid off and i'm thrilled with the wonderful feedback coming from everyone. Feels so great to be finally appreciated over something you put your heart and soul into. With that my journey with the Editorial Board came to an end too. On Monday’s meeting, when the chief suddenly announced the new team for the next session and told us we were no longer going to enter the meeting room ever again, it struck us final years really really hard. Like a SMACK on the face. It was over. 3 years of the wonderful journey got over before I even knew. I can still vividly recall my interview and the first day in EB meeting. Then we all were asked to say something to everyone and I saw everyone choking for words. I went completely blank when it was my turn, all I remember is ending up crying on being reminded that I no longer would be entering the room again. We all final years stayed back after the meeting and wondered how time flied. Out of all the things I’ll miss about the college , I know ill miss EB the most. It has transformed me a lot from the kid that I entered to the pseudo-lady( I think ) that’ll be laving soon.
7. Speaking of being a lady, they have organized this signature party in the hostel this weekend, which is basically a pre-parewell sort of thing where you wear dresses and walk the ramp. And they expect me to wear HEELS !!! Yikkkkesss… * faints *
The month is lined up with last events of societies and farewells. So loads of teary partings and speeches and messages and food and clothes.. And I’m not sure if im looking forward to it all. Feels like a big chunk of my heart is being chopped out of me and all the pain will be unbearable for me. I fail to understand what part of this college exactly makes me feel this way. But the idea of leaving the place I have accepted as mine over these years is freaking me out. As much as the excitement of the new life ahead post-college and the apprehension of what it hold for me are making me want to look forward to life less pessimistically, the mere mention of shedding and coming out of this cocoon makes me want to bury myself in it deeper….



You understand the mess in my head right ?

#63 un-holi-day

I have spent the first 5 years of my life in a country in Persian Gulf where the festival was totally unheard of..

My earliest memory of the day after returning to India is of when i was in my kindergarten. My first ever holi. You cousins suddenly barged in and dragged me by my arms out of the home and smeared me with every color possible all over my body, without any warning/explanation. What sort of reaction did you expect from a kid who has no frigging idea in the world why you are suddenly acting so wild and chivvying her ! Don't call me a cry-baby if i freaked out and ran inside screaming to my dad asking him what the hell in the world was wrong with everybody, and refused to speak with you for weeks after that, until I was thoroughly convinced that you people were infact normal and safe to be with.

I was scared of holi since then. Then one time when we had just shifted to our new house, you neighbors starting banging our doors asking for us to come out. My parents coaxed me into dropping my guard against the festival once and try and get into the spirit. That is how they said me and my brother would "be able to make friends fast in the neighborhood" and sent us out. I remember clutching my brother's hand so tight and pleading him not to let me go. But you guys came and snatched him away from me, totally ignored his requests to go easy on me and dropped bucketfuls of dirty filthy slimy liquid and smeared my entire body with grease, leaving me struggling and gasping for breaths. You agitated me all the more by not giving a chance to my brother to prepare- broke his spectacles and pushed him into a drainage canal !!! "Welcome to our colony" you said with the evil smiles, "ragging" as you called it.

Over the years I chose to witness the scene from my balcony and chose to say no to anything you put on me except dry colors. You laughed at me for being such a wuss and not enjoying the festival with you guys. Did you even care to notice that girl in the group who submitted to your hooliganism, but often returned home crying to herself because she hated the way that a-hole uncle grabbed and smeared color on her and touched her in a manner that make her feel sick ? Did you even bother to realize how traumatic it might have been for that kid ? Well I did, and I started hating that man and the festival all the more. For me it was one of the days that gave men the right to unleash the beasts within them and treat women with utmost disrespect. I could not take that. Never will.

In my high school, I heard of guys outside my house swooshing past in super sonic speeds on their bikes, screaming and shouting at every person on the road, boasting about how high on bhaang they were, how many they 'attacked', how many bruises they received, the number of houses they rampaged and what not. Half an hour I heard the news of one of them losing his life in an bike accident. Drunken driving and road brawl.
I had no reason to like this day.

I came to college and was petrified at the thought of having to celebrate the day in the college. I remember running a very high fever that morning. To my relief the girl hostel was sealed and I assumed the girls would be sophisticated enough to play nicely. But you barged into my room, pickded me up from all my fours and dropped me in that water pool you made in the toilet area !! You laughed and mocked at me when I suggested we play with dry colors and sweets and music and dance, instead of mindless noise and rattle. I pleaded not to waste so much of water as there is a shortage in the city already with the lakes dried up and the municipality struggling to provide enough for household use. You could only laugh harder.

I decided to run to home on every holi next year hence.

Only that I forgot that your celebrations do not end in one day. Only in my 3rd year in the college did I learn about Rang Panchmi, another day to go crazy. I was dragged out into the hostel courtyard and smothered with permanent gulal, despite my wails of protest. As if I wasn't roughened up enough, you started tearing my clothes. TEARING CLOTHES !!! And you said it was a tradition ????? Tradition ??? ehhh... all i knew about the tradition was putting up tilaks and exchanging sweets and hugs and wishing health and prosperity to others. But tearing off clothes ??

You did not let me in peace even in the evening. I was walking to the general store behind my hostel to buy a scrubber to rub of the color when a bunch of you guys zoomed past me, circled and cornered me on the road, all on bikes and high on bhaang , all smeared with silver and pink and flashing evil smiles at me. I froze in fear and screamed and ran as fast as my legs could take me and hid in a professor's quarter until you people left after laughing wildly at my helplessness and "feeling like a true mard". I thought that was the most un-manly thing ever.


Even now as I sit in my hostel room recounting the horrid memories of the so-called 'festival of colors' , i'm planning out ways to escape the hooliganism tomorrow somehow. I told you yesterday I was thinking of going over to a day-scholar's home for the day , and you people screamed at me and got mad for being a kill joy. You charged me emotionally with all sorts of "yaar...just a few days left together in the college...last holi ever" stuff and made me change my mind. You promised to go easy on me and make me like this festival. I believed you and promised to co-operate from my end. I was typing all this and anticipating with a tinge of excitement in my head about finally having to experience the real holi, when you guys called me out on some pretext and started the congenial violence again.....







Don't blame me if I detest Holi ..

#62 Now Playing : Fix You- Coldplay

I am stuck in a rut. A deep dark purposeless morbid rut , one that I don’t seem to be able to come out of ever. Unable to do so, or lacking the will to break open, that is something I haven’t been able to figure out. Deep down I do know it’s the latter, though. Every time I start afresh with lots of new and exciting plans for myself, I end up falling for the same old depressing routine and habits. Over and over and over again. I know I should blame no one but myself for this. I and I alone am responsible for choosing to shamelessly ignore and forget the promises and deals I make with myself, specially the ones that involve putting my happiness and health before everything else. Its all so messed up, that I have lost the will to get up and start over again. I guess I have resigned myself to this mess and conditioned myself to silently live with all of it. I do want to break free, yet I do not move an inch. For fears of such reasons that are too trivial and insignificant and pointless to be considered. But the idiot that I am, I will think and re think about all of just that and worry the hell out of me, while the world out there is blissfully unaware of my state of mind. And so I keep fretting and whining and worrying inside my own tiny little space. Then I get sick of all the thinking and make up my mind to get out and do whatever needs to be done. Get out and scream at that girl who betrayed my trust in her, hit that guy who upset me, shout back at the uncle who misunderstood me, go shake that teacher who annoyed me. Yet all I do is, move about in the hostel smiling and politely speaking with that same girl, letting that guy bother me again, greet that uncle with all the respect and not bother about the teacher. The cool calm polite sweet G that I am. !! I don’t think so anymore. I think its all an alibi for being weak and spineless and lacking the guts to stand up and fight. My happiness is under the control of the most stupid and vague things in life, and I seem to be ok with it ! When will I learn to scream out at the top of my voice that I AM NOT OK !!!

#61 There is someone..

There is this someone in my wing ( in hostel ) who:

1. Forgets to flush .
2. Misses the damn hole !!

Din't know such levels of fail (specially among girls) were even possible.

*sigh*

#60 So What Happened and Will Happen in 2011??

Although 2011 brought me a lot of happy moments with it, I have yet to register them in my head and come to terms with certain events that have happened too fast to be able to prepare for them. I welcomed the new year in the most dispassionate manner possible, by sleeping in the upper berth of a Delhi bound train, followed with an entirely opposite and fun filled day with my friends from internship as promised (remember?). And I gave that horrible exam too, the lesser I try to reminisce about it the better it is for my health. Just to give you a drift in case you already don’t have one, my friends rightly coined a term for it. ”mass rape”. Fast forward a week and I landed back in college with truck load of guilt for not having even opened a book during vacations while all my batchmates had devoured scores of books to prepare for the dream companies ( our college’s placement policy allows each student to grab one job having normal status and one more in addition under dream status. I already got my ‘normal’ placement in the beginning of the last semester). I decided in the auto on my way to campus to settle down in my room asap and start serious prep atleast this one time, only to reach the hostel and be told about SAP Labs, first dream company visiting our company the very next day! Guilty as I felt for my lack of preparation for a serious deal as a company like this, I decided to just go and sit for the written test and support my friends appearing and badly wanting to get in the company. Fast forward another 3 hours and find yours truly in the interview room for an excruciating 1.5 hours trying to shoot back at the interviewer charging at her with every problem possible in the world. Fast forward another two hours and have yours truly be the first in her branch to grab a dream offer. As dazed and lost as ever, pinching herself every moment and then for any sign of this being a weird dream by any chance.

Its been 6 days since that and the entire course of events of that day still replay through my head atleast 10 times a day. And those of the past few months for another 20 times. I seem to have started believing in the idea that nature has its way of balancing things in life. It takes some, but then ensures that it does give you back in some form or the other. It has never been too many smiles or tears forever, there always have to be a balanced amount of both spread over a period.

I have also come to believe that your actions today do somehow influence certain events of tomorrow, however unrelated they may seem to be. I saw a friend doing something really horrible with his beloved last semester, and was dreading his karma to strike back at him over something very important to him to pinch enough. Turned out that his CAT results which everyone had taken for granted he’d be acing in, were a big disaster and lowered his spirits tremendously. I don’t know how this really makes sense, but I can’t seem to co-relate these two events in his life. Surprisingly, his “conscience tells” him the same. *scratches head*

I have decided to try my best to focus on the many happy and pleasant thoughts and people instead of that one unhappy moment or person. As huge and impossible that might seem I shall do whatever it takes from my side to remind myself that my life is much more than just that and I definitely deserve to spend each moment in a way that I feel no guilt and regret in future about having it wasted over something that did not deserve more space in my mind than I already have given. I write all this here so that it stays as a permanent copy of my resolve to read and remind myself with whenever I falter.

Who says resolutions cannot be made 20 days after Jan 1 ?

#59 Is it 2011 Already ??

Note : I realized this post has gotten way too long to be able to read without dozing off. So I shall split and publish this under two posts so that you can sleep twice :P

20 days into the year is not too late to wish a happy new year no? I shall not delve into the reasons for such a delay, simply because there are none. I just don’t know why I didn’t post anything for so long. It wasn’t the lack of stuff to write up here, there were lots of things happening which I could’ve shared. It wasn’t the lack of time either; I’ve never been more idle and jobless in the past month than I have in my entire engineering life. With my placement and all the stupid entrance exams done, I had nothing-absolutely nothing- left to keep me occupied with or to give an excuse about. Don’t think it was my beloved procrastination and lack of will too, I bet there were times when I felt the urge to blog and even typed a few drafts, but never really got to hit the publish button.

Guess the same was being reflected in my daily life too. I had loads of plans for the semester break, but all I remember doing at home was staring at my laptop and the walls almost all the time, rest of the time I was snoozing blissfully cuddled up my quilt. I kept planning and making to-do notes in my head, none of which materialized. Except for getting my PAN card made (well technically, it was my Dad who did the work, I only moved out of my bed to sign on the form. But that should count in my favour right? ). The only significant event that happened in the otherwise uneventful and boring holidays was loss of something very dear to me. It all happened too fast, yet it seemed like an eternity when it all was happening. I was too lost trying to comprehend what exactly had happened to be able to acknowledge and get boisterously excited over other not-so-huge-yet-pretty-important-and-pleasant changes that took place during vacations. Like my first pair of heels (ok if you’d known me closely, you’d have given that ohhh my God Really !! instead of that duhhh whats the big deal about it? reaction), the fact that I can now bake chocolate sponge cakes and cook chicken without Mom’s assistance; and that I met one of my best-est friends after 5 long years!! It always amazes and amuses me more as to how humans have the tendency to drive their entire energy to that one unhappy moment instead of a 100 happy ones happening at the same time !!