Monday, March 14, 2011

#62 Now Playing : Fix You- Coldplay

I am stuck in a rut. A deep dark purposeless morbid rut , one that I don’t seem to be able to come out of ever. Unable to do so, or lacking the will to break open, that is something I haven’t been able to figure out. Deep down I do know it’s the latter, though. Every time I start afresh with lots of new and exciting plans for myself, I end up falling for the same old depressing routine and habits. Over and over and over again. I know I should blame no one but myself for this. I and I alone am responsible for choosing to shamelessly ignore and forget the promises and deals I make with myself, specially the ones that involve putting my happiness and health before everything else. Its all so messed up, that I have lost the will to get up and start over again. I guess I have resigned myself to this mess and conditioned myself to silently live with all of it. I do want to break free, yet I do not move an inch. For fears of such reasons that are too trivial and insignificant and pointless to be considered. But the idiot that I am, I will think and re think about all of just that and worry the hell out of me, while the world out there is blissfully unaware of my state of mind. And so I keep fretting and whining and worrying inside my own tiny little space. Then I get sick of all the thinking and make up my mind to get out and do whatever needs to be done. Get out and scream at that girl who betrayed my trust in her, hit that guy who upset me, shout back at the uncle who misunderstood me, go shake that teacher who annoyed me. Yet all I do is, move about in the hostel smiling and politely speaking with that same girl, letting that guy bother me again, greet that uncle with all the respect and not bother about the teacher. The cool calm polite sweet G that I am. !! I don’t think so anymore. I think its all an alibi for being weak and spineless and lacking the guts to stand up and fight. My happiness is under the control of the most stupid and vague things in life, and I seem to be ok with it ! When will I learn to scream out at the top of my voice that I AM NOT OK !!!

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