#107. Goodbye, 2015.

2015. The year that turned everything around for me. 

Took chances. Made changes. 

Dreamt wild. Aimed in the air. 

Worked hard at places. Got lucky at some. 

Freaked out. Faced challenges head on. 

Took tough decisions. Let destiny take over. 

Loved. Lost. Loved again 

Chased my dreams. Rekindled my childhood fantasies.

Fought. Made up. 

Pushed myself. Embraced discomfort. 

Changed environment. Adopted new surroundings. 

New people. New culture.

Observed. Reflected. 

Assimilated. Isolated. 

Stood my guard. Sought help. 

Broke down. Collected back together.

Felt more strongly. Expressed more freely. 

Realized what I want to do. Understood what I do not. 

Welcomed some experiences. Resented some. 

To the year that taught me the most, changed me the most, good bye. 

Here's to another year of endless memories! 2016, bring it on I say! 

#106. New Chapter

So this is it. It is finally happening.
After three months of being in a state of perpetual hibernation at home post packing up and moving back from Bangalore, I have again packed up and moved. This time to the United Kingdom. For a year. For my MBA. At University of Oxford!
A decision taken 10 months back is finally seeing light today, and I can for certain admit that this is all for real. Everyone around me was thrilled, and my future classmates were ecstatic (from their Facebook updates), but I was hardly able to emote and express. Something seemed wrong.
It didn't sink in until I visited the University yesterday to collect my residence permit and have a look at my apartment where I will stay for the term. The place is magnificent, and now much more than from what I saw as a tourist when I was here in 2013. Although one year is too less a time to soak in the expereince alongside my hectic MBA schedule, I hope to do justice to my time there.
I guess the excitement is finally setting in. Finally. 

#105. Retreat

Three weeks back I made my first trip to Goa. Somehow in the past I had to miss out on every chance that I had to go to Goa, and naturally was pretty kicked about the trip when it finally materialized this time. Initially it seemed more of a to-do task that I wanted to check off my list, you know just to get the pressure of oh-my-God-you've-never-been-to-Goa-at-all jibes off my back.
We kept away from the crowded bustling areas and headed to Palolem which was relatively quiet and beautiful. I remember the moment I stepped on the shore, a sense of trance took over. It was exciting and calming at the same time. As if the message was loud and clear and I found the bombardment of too many emotions, right at the sea shore in the middle of the night, overwhelming.
It was then that it struck me - that the waves that come gushing towards me with enthusiastic intensity, recede soon after in just about the same manner. A part of me wanted to implore them to stop, to pause for a while so I could take in the most of that moment. But neither have they waited for anyone, nor will they for me. All I could do was cherish the time I had and be prepared for the fact that their existence in my life was only transient.
That was a wonderful trip from where I returned with some unforgettable memories. Most importantly I returned with the realization that while farewells are inevitable, the best we could do is make them happy ones.
Perhaps that's why, today when I'm sitting in my room looking at the pile of stuff that I have to pack and move in the next ten days, I am reminded of those waves. Stuff that I have hoarded over the years, stuff that I have got emotionally attached to, stuff that is not just about material things but also about the people and the moments. In normal course I should have been panicking and not wanting to accept this transition, but tonight as I begin this crazy chore I find myself heaving a heavy nostalgic sigh and getting on to work with a strangely calm smile.

After all, how different is time and how different are people in your life from the waves of a sea?

#104. Be Wary

Be wary of people who try to "fix you". Be wary of those who need to say to you that they are your friend. Be wary of those who need to ask you to trust them. Be wary of friends who tell you they are not judging you. Be wary of those who repeatedly tell you they understand you and they totally get you and hence want to fix you. Be extremely wary.

Be wary because people who come in your life and even after spending considerable amount of time with you, are compelled to tell you that they are trying to "get you", will never really "get you". No particular reason why. They will continue to see you differently, despite you baring yourself clearly open to them. You think get know you well, they say they know you well - but you realize there is no connection.

You eventually figure that your journey is no less than a carousel, and most of the people you meet in this journey will only hop on at some stage and hop off when time comes. For them you are only a means to move forward in their journey, and they should've been the same for you. It's okay to meet people, have a great time with them, create memories with them and accept that you all will move on with or without them. What is not okay is to have assumed that they will make your carousel their home which they will protect and respect. It's okay to pour out your heart to them, it's not okay to have taken for granted that they will honor your trust in them.

Most importantly, be wary of yourself. For you and you alone are to be blamed if you let someone have a control over the things that matter the most to you and should have been protected by you.



I am extremely angry as I type this. Not sure if I am more angry or disappointed because I am in tears and in the mood to smash at the same time. Not sure what is worse - finding out right before I am leaving this city that one of the most important friends to me had been snitching on me all along and ruined what was supposed to be one of the most beautiful memories for me; or that I am wishing I'd rather not have found out at all, and maybe stayed and left in the ignorant bubble that trusting that friend was never a foolish choice. 

#103. Mood things

I wonder when was the last time that a post on my blog got written by itself. I wish this one did. Words used to flow out on their without stressing too much. But they won’t anymore, for I find it difficult to drift like I did before with my expressions. Age, perhaps.

Life is fleeting. And I’m trying to make the most out of it.

There are certain things in life, small and insignificant, yet so beautiful that they fill your heart with an unexplainable warmth and ecstasy. For me the past few weeks have been about scurrying for such moments and savoring them before it’s time to leave for the next big change. The uncertainty and apprehension from couple of months back have slowly made way to longing and a sense of nostalgia which I believe will stick around for more time than welcome.

Life isn’t a novel. It doesn’t always have to be segmented in chapters. These do not necessarily have to have a reason for everything. Sometimes it’s absolutely fine to not have the next step defined. It’s okay to not have a conclusion, a punctuation, or a period to sum it all up and complete the story.

Speaking of my story- after being asked almost daily by a dozen people about my “plans”, I have decided to leave town before heading off to the next phase. Will spend a couple of months at home, hopefully, to cool off and gather myself with renewed energy. I’m extremely skeptical of this as I write, since staying idle and not having anything to do is not the kind of routine I have ever envisaged for myself. But currently, everything is moving too fast to make any sense, and this seems like the best thing to do. To plug out.  

I have a little over 50 days left in this town. Who thought getting out would be umpteen times more difficult than getting in!

#102. First of lasts.

Was it a beginning of an end, or an end to the beginning - I am not sure.

First job. It took me 30 minutes to type out my resignation mail. Another 20 minutes to keep switching tabs between work and staring at the mail lying in drafts, waiting for it to decide on it's own when it needed to be sent. I wish the mailbox could take the decision for me and spare me the moment's dilemma. 

First job. I admit that for all the tales I used to hear about corporate jobs and the heroics of quitting and moving on, I had already decided on my exit strategy before joining the first job. That when I'd resign and walk out of the building in style, the place behind me will crumble and crash, in no less than a straight-out-of-Hollywood sequence. And I will hop on to my car, turn around for the one last glance, smile to myself and get going. How dramatic.

Except that today when I started writing the mail, I knew that the only thing I wanted to make sure from that moment on till my last day at work, the only thing I need to ensure is to avoid bursting into awkward tears. 

First job, man.