Monday, May 25, 2015

#105. Retreat

Three weeks back I made my first trip to Goa. Somehow in the past I had to miss out on every chance that I had to go to Goa, and naturally was pretty kicked about the trip when it finally materialized this time. Initially it seemed more of a to-do task that I wanted to check off my list, you know just to get the pressure of oh-my-God-you've-never-been-to-Goa-at-all jibes off my back.
We kept away from the crowded bustling areas and headed to Palolem which was relatively quiet and beautiful. I remember the moment I stepped on the shore, a sense of trance took over. It was exciting and calming at the same time. As if the message was loud and clear and I found the bombardment of too many emotions, right at the sea shore in the middle of the night, overwhelming.
It was then that it struck me - that the waves that come gushing towards me with enthusiastic intensity, recede soon after in just about the same manner. A part of me wanted to implore them to stop, to pause for a while so I could take in the most of that moment. But neither have they waited for anyone, nor will they for me. All I could do was cherish the time I had and be prepared for the fact that their existence in my life was only transient.
That was a wonderful trip from where I returned with some unforgettable memories. Most importantly I returned with the realization that while farewells are inevitable, the best we could do is make them happy ones.
Perhaps that's why, today when I'm sitting in my room looking at the pile of stuff that I have to pack and move in the next ten days, I am reminded of those waves. Stuff that I have hoarded over the years, stuff that I have got emotionally attached to, stuff that is not just about material things but also about the people and the moments. In normal course I should have been panicking and not wanting to accept this transition, but tonight as I begin this crazy chore I find myself heaving a heavy nostalgic sigh and getting on to work with a strangely calm smile.

After all, how different is time and how different are people in your life from the waves of a sea?

Monday, May 11, 2015

#104. Be Wary

Be wary of people who try to "fix you". Be wary of those who need to say to you that they are your friend. Be wary of those who need to ask you to trust them. Be wary of friends who tell you they are not judging you. Be wary of those who repeatedly tell you they understand you and they totally get you and hence want to fix you. Be extremely wary.

Be wary because people who come in your life and even after spending considerable amount of time with you, are compelled to tell you that they are trying to "get you", will never really "get you". No particular reason why. They will continue to see you differently, despite you baring yourself clearly open to them. You think get know you well, they say they know you well - but you realize there is no connection.

You eventually figure that your journey is no less than a carousel, and most of the people you meet in this journey will only hop on at some stage and hop off when time comes. For them you are only a means to move forward in their journey, and they should've been the same for you. It's okay to meet people, have a great time with them, create memories with them and accept that you all will move on with or without them. What is not okay is to have assumed that they will make your carousel their home which they will protect and respect. It's okay to pour out your heart to them, it's not okay to have taken for granted that they will honor your trust in them.

Most importantly, be wary of yourself. For you and you alone are to be blamed if you let someone have a control over the things that matter the most to you and should have been protected by you.

I am extremely angry as I type this. Not sure if I am more angry or disappointed because I am in tears and in the mood to smash at the same time. Not sure what is worse - finding out right before I am leaving this city that one of the most important friends to me had been snitching on me all along and ruined what was supposed to be one of the most beautiful memories for me; or that I am wishing I'd rather not have found out at all, and maybe stayed and left in the ignorant bubble that trusting that friend was never a foolish choice.