#104. Be Wary

Be wary of people who try to "fix you". Be wary of those who need to say to you that they are your friend. Be wary of those who need to ask you to trust them. Be wary of friends who tell you they are not judging you. Be wary of those who repeatedly tell you they understand you and they totally get you and hence want to fix you. Be extremely wary.

Be wary because people who come in your life and even after spending considerable amount of time with you, are compelled to tell you that they are trying to "get you", will never really "get you". No particular reason why. They will continue to see you differently, despite you baring yourself clearly open to them. You think get know you well, they say they know you well - but you realize there is no connection.

You eventually figure that your journey is no less than a carousel, and most of the people you meet in this journey will only hop on at some stage and hop off when time comes. For them you are only a means to move forward in their journey, and they should've been the same for you. It's okay to meet people, have a great time with them, create memories with them and accept that you all will move on with or without them. What is not okay is to have assumed that they will make your carousel their home which they will protect and respect. It's okay to pour out your heart to them, it's not okay to have taken for granted that they will honor your trust in them.

Most importantly, be wary of yourself. For you and you alone are to be blamed if you let someone have a control over the things that matter the most to you and should have been protected by you.



I am extremely angry as I type this. Not sure if I am more angry or disappointed because I am in tears and in the mood to smash at the same time. Not sure what is worse - finding out right before I am leaving this city that one of the most important friends to me had been snitching on me all along and ruined what was supposed to be one of the most beautiful memories for me; or that I am wishing I'd rather not have found out at all, and maybe stayed and left in the ignorant bubble that trusting that friend was never a foolish choice. 

#103. Mood things

I wonder when was the last time that a post on my blog got written by itself. I wish this one did. Words used to flow out on their without stressing too much. But they won’t anymore, for I find it difficult to drift like I did before with my expressions. Age, perhaps.

Life is fleeting. And I’m trying to make the most out of it.

There are certain things in life, small and insignificant, yet so beautiful that they fill your heart with an unexplainable warmth and ecstasy. For me the past few weeks have been about scurrying for such moments and savoring them before it’s time to leave for the next big change. The uncertainty and apprehension from couple of months back have slowly made way to longing and a sense of nostalgia which I believe will stick around for more time than welcome.

Life isn’t a novel. It doesn’t always have to be segmented in chapters. These do not necessarily have to have a reason for everything. Sometimes it’s absolutely fine to not have the next step defined. It’s okay to not have a conclusion, a punctuation, or a period to sum it all up and complete the story.

Speaking of my story- after being asked almost daily by a dozen people about my “plans”, I have decided to leave town before heading off to the next phase. Will spend a couple of months at home, hopefully, to cool off and gather myself with renewed energy. I’m extremely skeptical of this as I write, since staying idle and not having anything to do is not the kind of routine I have ever envisaged for myself. But currently, everything is moving too fast to make any sense, and this seems like the best thing to do. To plug out.  

I have a little over 50 days left in this town. Who thought getting out would be umpteen times more difficult than getting in!

#102. First of lasts.

Was it a beginning of an end, or an end to the beginning - I am not sure.

First job. It took me 30 minutes to type out my resignation mail. Another 20 minutes to keep switching tabs between work and staring at the mail lying in drafts, waiting for it to decide on it's own when it needed to be sent. I wish the mailbox could take the decision for me and spare me the moment's dilemma. 

First job. I admit that for all the tales I used to hear about corporate jobs and the heroics of quitting and moving on, I had already decided on my exit strategy before joining the first job. That when I'd resign and walk out of the building in style, the place behind me will crumble and crash, in no less than a straight-out-of-Hollywood sequence. And I will hop on to my car, turn around for the one last glance, smile to myself and get going. How dramatic.

Except that today when I started writing the mail, I knew that the only thing I wanted to make sure from that moment on till my last day at work, the only thing I need to ensure is to avoid bursting into awkward tears. 

First job, man.

#101. About time I wrote this one

It's been three weeks. From that day when I found it hard to stay composed to today when I rather have my solitude for company- there has been a strange kind of transformation in me. Adults tend to refer to this phenomenon as maturing, so I guess this must be it.

I'm quietly watching the year slip by. As much as I want to hold on to it dearly for 2014 has given me some most beautiful memories, I am prepared to let it go. Just as I learned over the year that sometimes the best way to celebrate the presence of something in your life is by letting it leave. No grudges, no complaining, no tears and no grieving. No chest-thumping drama. Just a silent unsaid farewell. If you know me personally you'll know why is it a big deal for me to part with things and people I hold dear to me.

The year also taught me the importance of positive reinforcement. There was a beautiful article I once read about using your daily password as a means to set reminders for your goals . I started practising the same and now swear by the impact it made on a potato of a person that I am (more on that later). I realize that all it takes is that one little kick to get things moving in life. A pat on my back for also successfully completing the 100 happy days challenge early this year (I did mine on my Instagram profile).

Last two months drove me insane with all the work I had signed up for. I went into a hiding, refused to meet anyone, allowed only a few into my cocoon and spoke with them incessantly about my worries. For those in this circle who stuck by and tolerated all my whims during that phase when, if I were them, I would definitely have kicked myself hard for being an irritating messed up wreck - I am eternally grateful. For those who considered bailing out on me as an easier option - I can only thank them with my heart for teaching me the essence of detachment. Because in the coming months, I will have to learn to part. To gather from my past that I have hoarded over the years, collect it all and lock everything away, far from my reach and farther from my memories.
I will hate it, but I will be doing it.

Bring on 2015, I say. I am shit scared of you, but I will face you and I will win you over :)




PS: I'll also be changing the URL of this blog. Detachment, you see.

#100 . The Hundredth Post

Much deliberation. One conclusion. That the more I keep planning to make the 100th post as a milestone or something, the less likely it is going to happen in next hundred years or something.So what the heck.
How has 2014 been shaping up for me? Pretty amazing, I'd say.
The year brought with it quite many changes in my life. Some happened that I had no control over, while there were some that I had to make happen. Got *almost* diagnosed with an incurable condition, exercised my way out of it. Gained weight, lost twice as much. Took up a few interesting projects. A big one happening next month end and I'm absolutely thrilled about it. Few personal resolutions were met, some broken.
But most importantly, I have finally decided to take a big step in life and break my cocoon of complacence (read: indolence). Working on achieving something important this year and never before have I wanted this bad for it to work out for me. 
Wish me luck!

#99

"One day

  when I wake up at 3am,

unable to sleep,

I will look next to me

    and you will be there.

Sleeping peacefully beside me

and suddenly,

   the world won't seem so lonely."

#98

Right now I am on my way back home from a short business trip of 3 days. Since it's a good long journey from the Bangalore airport to my place, I took my laptop out in the cab to send an important mail. Saw one of my colleagues, who happens to be my batch mate from college and a friend, had his last working day at office while I was away. He signed off his farewell message with these lines from Mark Twain -

“Life is short, Break the Rules.
Forgive quickly, Kiss SLOWLY.
Love truly. Laugh uncontrollably
And never regret ANYTHING
That makes you smile.”

It's funny how something significant happens with you that gets you thinking about it a lot, and suddenly something totally unrelated strikes you from no where and everything that you've been forcing to rationalize in your head immediately makes perfect sense.

#97 Dear Good ( Guy ) Friends

We girls are better than you think we are in knowing the difference between you being genuinely over friendly by habit, and you trying to take your chances by hitting on us for lack of other options. Specially when we are the ONLY few girl friends you have in your life. That too when you try your luck with more than one at the same time.

Sincerely,
Your well wishing but deeply pissed Good Girl Friends.

#96 The Mc Donalds Generation

As I sit to write these few words, like every other time, I am struggling to fight this strong urge to peek into my mailbox, or chat, or facebook updates, or twitter feeds, or flikr uploads, or any other damn thing on the internet- for the umpteenth time in the day. I realize there is nothing I will find in there that is worth the urgency. I realize that checking would partly be an escape for me when I wish to write but words don’t flow freely. But I also may be a perfect example of how technology has intensified people’s need for instant gratification, turning them into impatient psychos. Or as my Father puts it, I am a classic case of the Mc. Donalds generation that I belong to.

#95. Year-end post

So I end up procrastinating on the day I was supposed to sit and take a stock of the year I mostly wasted away. The world was supposed to have ended in 2012, as the Mayans told us. Only that 2013 showed up, and went on to mock at my plans for the year just as probably the number 13 does for those who believe in astrology.

The general mood for 2013 seemed to be largely based on accepting change and having to let go. Of things that are too dear but eventually go. Those we hold too tightly but need to give up for our own good. Things we take for granted until they’re gone.

Year that started with me purchasing my first DSLR ( no I did not start a photography page, neither will ) ended with an impulsive purchase of Kindle tab, despite hoarding my shelves with scores of books I could lay my hands on throughout the year.

A new phone was bought too, which meant giving away the one I was gifted 3 years ago by brother on campus placement, and anyone who knows me personally would testify how hard it was for me to part with it. I have a knack of getting attached to my possessions and giving any away means killing the memory that I have grown to associate that particular thing with.

Did I work insanely hard this year, or did I use work as an excuse for anything else that came my way, I do not know. While this year I finally gathered the strength to cut all ties with a relationship that was damaging to say the least, I also didn't do enough to stop my best friend from moving to Delhi to chase his dreams.

Trip to London happened for 22 days right in the middle of year, with all 4 of the family together after ages. Made me realize how with each passing day the distance never ceases to stop growing and before I could even land back to Bangalore, I was already homesick. Losing a childhood friend to a tragic road accident made me want to get done with the year even more.

There were definitely some happy times too. My 24th birthday was made special in ways I could've never anticipated, I made some lovely new friends who I can’t imagine my life without now, I moved to a new apartment with a few of my college friends that make me relive hostel days. And I performed for the first time on stage in front of 4000+ audience for our company’s annual day dance competition ( and if I’m allowed to brag about it, my group won 1 Lakh cash prize too :D ).

If there’s one thing that 2013 taught me, it’s that taking things for granted is a sin. So is assuming things will be done if you intend to without having to do something about them. I wrote too little. Read far too little books. Took too few pictures. Met fewer people. Hardly took any risk. While I planned to do too much of them all throughout the year. There cannot be anything more tragic than being in a state where you squander away the time you’re given to make the best out of.

#94

You know the kind of texts you receive from your close ones that leave you numb, so numb that even after weeks you wake up each day hoping that you were just dreaming ?

It's tough. The other person is hurting , no amount of consolation or anything you say is going to help them at that time. You cannot bring their loved one back, yet you keep wondering if there is anything you could have done.

Why do we get so ridden with the guilt ? It's so stressful at times.


You know the kind of texts that make you change your perspective towards life. Life that fails to teach you what an event as death does...

#93. Am I really old enough ?

A friend and I were playing music in my room this morning and the playlist soon drifted to old songs from the 90s that we grew up listening to. We all got excited about hearing those songs after so long and started sharing our memories associated with them. Later I texted an old friend of mine reminding her of those silly times when we'd memorize songs like Truly, Madly, Deeply and hum them all day at school talking about our first crush with each other. I also told her about another girl we knew since many years who got engaged. My initial reaction when talking to my friend about it was "Wow, I can't believe they're engaged already!" but that's when she had to snap me out of the old days and remind me that we're already 24, and teenage memories and friends getting married should not amaze me anymore.
Which is when it hit me - "How did we grow up so soon?"

With social media controlling almost all our activities it's so easy to judge your own life based on what everyone else is portraying theirs to be. A lot of the girls I went to school with are married already, and some even have kids or are expecting kids soon. I judge their life to the vast contrast of my own, and many times wonder how I'm in such a different position as them. Some days I think to myself "Damn, I'm already 24!" and other days I have to stop and remind myself "Hey, I'm only 24!".

If I'm honest with myself though, I'm not ready to turn the page on this chapter of my life. So what if I'm still living my life the way the elders would no longer approve of and expect me to grow out from. Sure, those other girls are getting to flaunt pretty rings, plan weddings, decorate new houses, and prepare for babies. I know that eventually I'll get to do those things too. But for now, I want to soak up every minute of this phase I'm in.

It's easy to look at those girls and wonder what I'm doing with my life, but the truth is, I feel a sense of warmth and comfort in the juncture of life I'm in right now. I want to take full advantage of the fact that I can make my own decisions,and be a little bit selfish about them without having anyone whose life depends on them. I do have responsibilities, but not too much, and I have the freedom to explore and experience new things without anything or anyone holding me back ( except for my parents who never did ).So, if you're like me and tend to compare your life to others, stop. Take the time to enjoy this chapter. Once you turn the page you can't go back, and while the next chapter would be extremely exciting, it will never be the same as it is right now.

#92. I swear I'm not dead

Just busy figuring out this conundrum called life. 


But I miss this space okay ?

I really do.

#91.

Was at this amusement park yesterday having what I would call the time of my life, a perfect weekend with the perfect set of people I could ever want to be with. Until I spoke with my mother on the phone while on my way back, and heard her break down on the call with me.
Its like this distance suddenly hit me right on my face and ripped my heart apart. How conveniently do we children forget that while we are growing up and moving on with our own lives, our parents are getting older and need us more. Since when did we become so selfish?


I always wanted to remember this day all my life, but not like this.

# 90 . Shit Happened

I feel like screaming my guts out. Guess Mr. Murphy loves me way too much.
I opened blogger after what seemed like ages to finally let out what I've been wanting to for a pretty long time.
Was going through my old posts and drafts, only to delete two latest posts from the blog.

Shit.

SHIT !!

The day's gloom has now turned into outrage. I want the earth to split wide open and take me in.
And I do not want to come back ever again. Feels like I just lost a finger ( yes THAT dramatic this is).

So since I'm supposed to be an internet-savvy engineer, I will have to figure a way out to retrieve the posts. Somehow.

oh Google cache, I hope you've captured my Birthday list somewhere in some teeny weeny corner of yours. I was yet to start working on it *looks around guiltily* . Pretty sure I won't even feel like getting back to this space if I have lost #88 and #89 forever.

SHIT  



update :   YAY ! 

#89. Turning 23

23 things I wish to do / complete / accomplish / finally-get-my-ass-to-work-on this year

[in no particular order]

1. Revise the entire Harry Potter series. Yes this was the first thing I could think of !!  

2. Learn an instrument.

3. Be a part of the Ugly Indian Project. Join  them atleast on one weekend .

4. Finally figure out the perfect jeans size and fit for myself

5. Learn Photoshop ! ( I wonder whatever I did in college? )

6. Filter my Facebook Friend List. I've outgrown the stage of decorating friend lists .

7. Fall in love. Like real head-over-heels-crazy-mad waala love.

8.  Learn to recite Gurbani.
     Not just recite. Be able to understand each and every word and then recite.

     I really really really need to work on this. 

     Nothing in the word calms me down like Gurbani does. 

9. Make more and more use of Post-its. 

    Use them at workdesk. Use them in room. Use them in kitchen and washroom. 

    Make notes. Write messages. Reminders. Quotes.

    Drop them at friends' desks with little sweet messages on them. 

    Use them to make people around me happy. I love post-its.

10. Adopt a hair-care regime and strictly stick to it. Religiously. Before I go bald and 

      run out of tears.

11. Go on a trip to somewhere outside the city. Without phone. 

      Only a call to parents allowed.

12. Baby sit . 

      Just to test my patience. And tolerance to drool-poop-scream-sleep cycle for a company.

13. Over haul my wardrobe. 

     Get rid of the clothes I have been attached to for no good reason but never ever ever take them out to wear. On the other hand, go out for a day of crazy random shopping and try clothes I never thought I'd be able to carry. Challenge myself to come out of the comfortable checks-stripes-plain-loose-mostly blue and red-tees and shirts routine I am addicted to.

14. Be able to perfectly bake a cake and cook butter chicken. Not depend on chance to get the concoctions right.

15. Refer point 7. 

     If I succeed :

             Set up a filmy-style romantic candle-lit dinner for the guy and me.

     If I fail :

             Plan one for a couple friend. Or take a good friend out on one if the couple friend fails at the criteria of being one that believes PDA DOES NOT only mean posting sappy messages/ statuses/ photos of holding hands and pouting with cheeks stuck to each other's on Facebook.

16. Plan a trip / party / day out just for and with cousins. Catch up on years and years lost on what could've been otherwise the thickest friendships forged.

17.  Learn to wear and walk confidently with heels. Start wearing lip gloss. 

       Once in a while.

18.  Make peace with whatever that should not have happened but did. There is nothing that would change with my constant worrying/ analyzing/ over-thinking/ regretting.
Learn to smile and live with it.

19. Forgive and/or apologize and get back in touch with one friend lost in the 23 year long journey. 

20. Plan with brother and send parents out on a nice holiday.

21. Be able to do a 8 km run without running out of breath. 

22. Read the Gitanjali. Was supposed to do it on 18th birthday.

23. Be able to complete 100 posts on this blog ( fair enough right ? )

#88. Hug mode enabled

I'm quite a silly girl ( most of my friends would love to argue on the use of word 'silly' but hey I am allowed to bluff on my own blog right? ) and tad bit of an emotional freak ( as much as I hate to admit and openly display ). Today I'm in such a mood where all I can do is smother someone will all my ability to love. Nothing special about the date, nothing great about my life at the moment. Just random impulse to hug and cuddle and feel happy. Because we all need a little bit of love once in a while to survive, don't we ?

This is a day when I need a hug and be told that I'm special. My presence in their life makes some difference, if not much.  And that is something I need to feel happy right now.

PS: Mother arrives in Bangalore in two days, first time after my joining. The visit has been due for a very long time now. I have no idea where all I'm going to take her in the city, what all I'm going to do once she's here, what she would be doing during the days when I would go to office. I have a million things running in my head, a lot of mental notes of things to do once she lands. But for all I know, I just want to hug will all my might and smother her will all my love :D 

#87. It has been a crazy busy month

.....this March.

Started with a major event in office that the team was preparing hard for. I and the other new-joinee < my team insists we should stop calling ourselves new-joinees now O_o &gt; were naturally a little apprehensive about how we were going to handle the clients, if any such situation arises; clients who are far more experienced and well-versed with the products and so very easily capable of ripping us apart with the barrage of queries. Thankfully, no such disaster struck and the event was a great experience to understand and marvel at how SAP run millions of business processes every minute.
The month was in general pretty busy for a regular routine, with the year end approaching and lots of tasks lined up at the office front. At the personal end too there were a couple of things to untangle and a lot more to welcome in life. I've kept myself busy enough not to think about bigger issues in life, letting myself just soak in the moments and living them one by one that I don’t want to look back in regret or worry about the future. Life is going smooth on the whole and that is a reason enough to celebrate.
And yes, I did not play Holi this time. Not only owing to the fact that it was working day here in Bangalore, also because of the fact that I personally dislike this festival and try to avoid it by all means. I was glad this time around no one could force me into the madness. Before you jump into your conclusions and start opining, please read about my failed relationship with Holi here.
Finally made a trip to Hyderabad and met two of my best buddies from college. It was great catching up with them, and getting back an almost lost friendship with one back on track. One crazy hectic fun weekend was all I needed to unwind myself from the toll the 9-6 routine had started to take on me. I have decided to make a conscious effort to plan such short random trips with friends so that I don't have to face the often-talked about burnout AND more importantly, to realize the importance of maintaining relations as much as career, if not more.
Speaking of catching up, Urvi's visit to Bangalore was something I was looking forward to for a long time. Although we did not get to spend a LOT of time, but it was nice meeting her and her amazing family. Also I got to use her brother's DSLR on my own and I'm more in love with it than ever. I am unable to get over this irresistible urge to buy one for myself, despite being well aware of my infamous past of getting easily bored with anything I get attracted to and immediately buy. But I'm sure THIS one purchase would not go waste,. hopefully.
Amidst all the jam-packed schedule and frantic weekends, my reading challenge has gone for a toss, sigh. I hope I'm able to pick up and be able to complete at least 75% of the challenge, which now seems bleak to me.
As the month ends with a weekend, and with the salary duly credited , the normal life resumes with all its obligations and routine chores to be duly attended to. Have decided to start focusing more on health and follow a decent < won't go overboard with announcing a strict> fitness regime. Also it is going to be a trying time ahead to make a couple of strong decisions about many fronts.

# 86. Mid-Week Crisis

Its hardly mid-week and I'm already eagerly waiting for the weekend break

Life has become such a vicious cycle of weekdays and weekends.
I wonder if there'll ever be any digressions from this grind? [please do not tell me
about the vacations and team outings, you know I do not mean that]

College seems like a distant past now. A memory.

Was it even ever for real ? *pinches herself*

#85.

I opened my blog's dashboard about 2 hours back to push myself into writing something, since I was itching to write for quite sometime now. Some random surfing through a couple of old blogposts got me hooked into reading almost every past post of mine, until I reached the end. It felt like re-living the emotions and memories behind each post, felt like going a documentation of some of my life's events. And I mainly noticed a trend in the posts that finally made it to the 'publish' button. Most of them were written while going through extreme emotional experiences. As if I was attempting at freezing the moment for me to be able to re-visit in future.
Needless to say, I happen to type all this gibberish right now with the same purpose. Today is one of the days I want to freeze the memory of for the entire life. Out of lack of motivation and low attention span, I'll skip the unwanted description of what God-forsaken event drove me into getting back to this nearly dead space. I will let this picture speak for me ( yes I am that lazy :P )



Cheers to life and all its happy moments and unplanned surprises and unplanned achievements !


PS: I am officially a graduate now ! Went to college last week for the convocation ceremony. Goes without saying that visiting the college and meeting all friends after 6 months of moving out was one of the best feelings. Felt like we all found back the reason to smile with the heart and not just fake one with the lips :)
PPS: 6 months with SAP and so my probation period with the company are over. So officially I am a permanent employee with SAP Labs. Have to treat my team this week for that.
PPS: Life treats you well when you drop guards and decide to torture it less by fretting too much over should-haves and would-haves and why-nots and all that crap ;)