#85.

I opened my blog's dashboard about 2 hours back to push myself into writing something, since I was itching to write for quite sometime now. Some random surfing through a couple of old blogposts got me hooked into reading almost every past post of mine, until I reached the end. It felt like re-living the emotions and memories behind each post, felt like going a documentation of some of my life's events. And I mainly noticed a trend in the posts that finally made it to the 'publish' button. Most of them were written while going through extreme emotional experiences. As if I was attempting at freezing the moment for me to be able to re-visit in future.
Needless to say, I happen to type all this gibberish right now with the same purpose. Today is one of the days I want to freeze the memory of for the entire life. Out of lack of motivation and low attention span, I'll skip the unwanted description of what God-forsaken event drove me into getting back to this nearly dead space. I will let this picture speak for me ( yes I am that lazy :P )



Cheers to life and all its happy moments and unplanned surprises and unplanned achievements !


PS: I am officially a graduate now ! Went to college last week for the convocation ceremony. Goes without saying that visiting the college and meeting all friends after 6 months of moving out was one of the best feelings. Felt like we all found back the reason to smile with the heart and not just fake one with the lips :)
PPS: 6 months with SAP and so my probation period with the company are over. So officially I am a permanent employee with SAP Labs. Have to treat my team this week for that.
PPS: Life treats you well when you drop guards and decide to torture it less by fretting too much over should-haves and would-haves and why-nots and all that crap ;)

#84. The follow up post

So in my last post, I was moaning over a habit lost and difficult to get back at. I knew it was time I hit the panic button ( ok I know I'm being melodramatic here but it really had gotten this serious blimey) and do something about it. The next day in office, a friend and I were discussing about books in general when I told him how I have nearly lost the stamina to pick up a book and hold on to it for more than a few minutes. Thankfully, he could relate to what I was trying to explain as he was finding it hard to re-start his CAT preparation too after joining office. We both for seeking the much needed external kick to get started with what we needed to do before it was too late. We decided to start helping each other out by setting goals for ourselves each day, announce to the other person about our goals, get home and get to our books. We are not to sleep until we've achieved our target, failing which the target for the next day is raised by the other person.
4 days down and he is starting to gain momentum with his preparation, and I am almost in the middle of my novel ! Well it is mostly because I have read this one before, but since I wanted to start with something light and I had forgotten the plot of this one, I decided to re-read this. So I can finish this off soon and move on to its sequels, while at the same time I don't get bored off it easily. I feel much better and positive about starting my year with an making an honest effort on something I am passionate about.
Also, so that I do not waver in my plan and before I start ignoring my friend's pestering to stick to my challenge , I found this website where I will take up a reading challenge. Basically, one registers on this website and sets a personal goal for himself for the year, to read the number of books that he decides for himself. The website keeps track of how close/far the person is from his goal and how long will it take to reach his target going by his current reading rate.
I am registering with the site with a decent target to begin with, 30 books to read in 2012. The welcome mail I receive in my inbox looks promising:
" Thanks for signing up on Goodreads — you won't regret it, we promise. "

So far so good. I hope this works out for me well ! I publish this on the blog announcing my plan to the world so that I am constantly reminded of a promise taken by me, for me. For my own good.

Would you like to take the GoodReads challenge too ??

#83. The Joy of Reading.

I think, rather I am sure now that I have almost forgotten what it feels like to finish a book.
Feels like ages since I felt the thrill of picking up a new book, curiously going through its first few pages wondering what world was the author going to take me into, the joy of physical turning of pages and absorbing each and every word, every emotion. The accomplishment of reading something from start to finish, and still wanting more.
There was a time when reading for hours at a stretch was as effortless as..umm..breathing! Yeah, that easy. But now try as I may, I can just not be able to bring myself to pick up a book, and if by some stroke of luck I succeed in picking up, my attention spam doesn't stay on for more than a couple of minutes.
I feel stripped off a major source of joy in life.
Damn you internet.

#82. The customary year-end post

The compulsive urge to write a post for the year end. The post-mortem. Reflections. Introspections. Achievements. Regrets. Analysis. Would-haves and could-haves.
I'll try to make it as short as possible and hit the publish button before I get distracted again and repent later on for being too late to post.
December 31st is always the day for me where I get this panicky feeling of something important slipping off my hands. Its like, there is so much to do in the year and it has to be stopped from ending so soon. This time, surprisingly, I noticed that I am actually looking forward to the new year. Not because I wish to wash my hands off 2011 ( I have friends slobbering my FB feeds with "good riddance" " RIP 2011" etc etc since morning ), but because there is nothing about 2011 that wants me to hold it back. It has been a pretty much kind year to me, so to say. There were lows, but there were lots of highs too and that is what I will choose to focus on and take along with me to the new year. It has also been a year of many firsts, including my first job, a memory I will never forget for life. I also met many new faces, some of whom went on to make my life even more beautiful with their presence, whom I would never want to let go. On the other hand I held on to some people I should have ideally let go of, a decision which has turned out to be both correct and incorrect. Guess that is how it is with some people who mean so much to you that you just let them in no matter what. It taught me a very important lesson of forgiveness and compromise, and also the need to stand one's ground when needed.
If I look back, 2011 to me was about little joys and a lot of learning.
Resolutions for the new year? None. Its not like I'm going to shed skin in 2011 and dress into a new one altogether in 2012 at the stroke of midnight. For me starting afresh in the new years is just an excuse to make a more conscious effort to become a better me. Thats all.
How do I bring in the new year? No party. No sharty. Just a quiet evening with the 3 people who mean the world to me. And I'm glad both my brother and I managed to make it home together to end 2011 and bring in 2012 with the parents. Could I have asked for anything better ? :-)

Wish you a very very Happy and Prosperous New Year. Stay blessed.

#81. Of living in the past

Sometimes silence is the best rebuttal. And sometimes no response is acceptable.
Sometimes you feel at loss of words to explain yourself. Sometimes words are just not enough.
Sometimes people don't know how to deal with you when you are pissed. Sometimes they piss you with the way they deal with you.
Sometimes its their fault. Mostly its no one's.
Sometimes you wish you knew what to say to cheer your friend up. Sometimes you feel its better to shut the hell up.
Sometimes you wish your friend knew exactly what to say to you. Sometimes the telepathy just does not work.

Guess it never works your way !
Meh.


I began writing this post an hour back, out of guilt for not being able to find the will to write ( the same old excuse right? ). And like always, I got drifted to other things on the net and started chatting with an old friend after a lot time. We have been pretty much disconnected for a very long time now and are trying our best to bring things at a cordial level again, if not the same. Somehow, everytime we try to have a conversation, I find this friend upset with life. Over the regular daily issues. To you or me they might seem trivil, but for this friend of mine they are a major source of unhappiness. It bothers me to see him always dejected and brooding over things he has to deal with at his personal as well as professional fronts. I tried hard to cheer him up a couple of times, but failed evey time he started to express his unhappiness. Lately I started to notice a trend in the conversations, that of him tending to regress to past. I realized he is clinging on his past too much to be able to embrace with open arms whatever his present has to offer to him. Our conversations mostly start with "there was a time when..", "remember those days" , "it used to be nice then" and end with "nothing is the same" , "wish those times come back" , " everything has changed" , "no one is the same anymore" .
It struck me, don't we all live that way? Always comparing our present with that of our 'glorious' past. We refuse to live in the moment. We refuse to acknowledge that something good could possible be in store for us. We expect our world to stay static. As it was weeks, months, years back. We fail to realize the change in dates is more to do with just striking them off the calendar.
I thought of giving him a long sermon to shake him into senses, but then I realized I am no authority to do that. So I decided to rather write about it to remind myself to consciously make an effort to not complain and worry too much about what is happening and why is it not happening the way I want, or the way it used to be.
And also because I did not have the strength and patience to put this across to my friend in one go without him interrupting me to stop selling him eutopian dreams. Buddy, I know you'd be reading this. Life has never been rosy, it never will. The future is always going to freak the hell out of you. The present will keep challenging you every single moment. But the past was never so rosy either. The only reason you have made peace with past is because its done and dusted with. It no longer intimidates you. The only reason you like the past now is because you are familiar with it and wish to relive it. But that shall never happen, and thank God for that. Else you would have never grown up. Face the present, it is never easy but that is what you really need to. Things will be much easier for you if you make peace with them.
:)

#80. Of Pondicherry and 10 years with SAP

Yesterday we had a tiny celebration in the team. The manager had returned last week from a trip to Barcelona and brought chocolates and goodies for us. It also happened to be his 10 years with SAP.

" 10 years !!? " I ask. " How ?"

~ " Did you realize how you too are 4 months old in office already? Thats how ;) " . I get a reply.
" It seems like a vast ocean to me. And I'm still learning how to swim. Still not confident enough to take the plunge without holding on to someone. When will I be able to learn and get on at it entirely on my own. "

~ " You remember how three days back you were so scared of getting into water at the beach in Pondicherry? And how your entire team came together to build a wall around you to help you get in. Remember how they would hold you everytime you felt you'd fall. I saw how in no time you gained confidence and plunged in deeper in the water with everyone around you moving forward with you"

" Yes I remember, it couldn't have been possible without them. I loved how they helped me overcome my fear and blend in"
~ " There you go. You have the answers. It would work exactly the same way here. Everyone is there to help you out. That is why we all are a team, afterall."


PS: Had a team outbound to Pondicherry 3 days back.
3 days. 150 people. 4 buses. 8 hours journey.
Now I know what they really meant by Work Hard. Party Harder

#79 . T.G.I.F.

If there is any living creature whos happier than me for the week having finally ended- its ME.

From a friend coming over from another city to my place to us going over to our guy- friends' place for a sleep-over last weekend.
From a bunch of buffoons joking and cracking up a moment to a turn around of the mood the very next moment.
From a silly stupid haggling of two friends to an entire sleepless night looking for the girl disappearing from the place.
From clueless frantic search to a lot of revelations about our groupmates.
From a lazy start of week in office to the thrusting of a hectic training schedule for the month.
From the long holiday hangover to frantic preparations for the check session with the project manager.
From dreading a massive goof-up in the check session with the biggies in the team on Thursday to pulling off my demo quite well.
From a flatmate's midnight birthday celebration to beady eyes in office next day.
From the dinner party of the flatmate at a restaurant to another flatmate's horrifying sudden epileptic attack.
From raising a toast to the birthday girl's health to reviving the other girl back to consciousness the next minute.
I saw it all this week.
I'm glad the week is finally over.

Dear God, slow down please, pretty please.
Atleast until I'm able to sleep it all off. OK ?

#78 The "aur bata" syndrome

Is it just me or is everyone else going through the same dillemas of "aur bata...kya chal raha hai aajkal.." ??

Its only been a couple of months since college is over, and calling someone to make a conversation seems like the hardest thing. It is happening too much, nay, almost always, these days. I hardly have anything to talk, invariably I end up repeating the line "aur bata" and when asked the same, I just have "nothing much yaar.. tu bata? " to return. There have been times when both speak the same lines endless times , followed with an uneasy silence..until one of us decides to break the ice with a "chal yaar..will call you later" .
It is not like initiating a conversation or chattering with friends is such a hard thing for me to do. I usually am very talkative, and find it quite easy to come up with things to talk about. People who've known me for long know how effortlessly conversations over the phone or gtalk can run for hours and until late in the nights, sharing every possible bit of update with them. Obviously, I'm one of those who believed that constant, or atleast frequent communication is important after leaving college. With almost everyone she knew, or atleast the ones she believed deserved to be in touch with. Afterall, we all have shared a part of lives together, they sure should atleast be aware of what is going on now.

But somehow I see myself failing to keep up with the constant pressure of this "keeping-in-touch" business. And deep inside I know what is at cause. I find it pointless calling up a friend just for the heck of it, only to utter the cliched "aur bata... idhar kuch khaas nahin, tu bata ? " every single time . It irks even more when, if by chance either of the two manages to share some piece of information, to be replied to almost instantaneously with a "yeah I read your facebook / twitter/ gTalk / 4square < insert any other of the gazillian social networking sites here> update...cool.......aur bata? "

Got my drift ?


These sites have made real- life conversations almost impossible. "Catching up after a long time" seems to have lost its entire meaning when all it includes is " must've read my updates / seen the album I uploaded ? " . What extra can I possibly talk about with a friend whose day-by-day ( or even minute-by-minute, in some cases) updates I'm being slapped with on the internet ? We prefer publishing our lives for everyone to read over picking up the phone and making a friend feel special. There were times when a phone call or a small note for me after even a long hiatus would make me feel remembered and special. Returning the favor meant having a special place in the heart for that friend. But today, it feels almost nothing to read about whats going on in their lives on Facebook, just a superficial validation of the fact that we are "friends still in touch" .

Maybe its not as grim as I make it sound, the friendships are still strong and dear. The friends still remain the same as they always are. I just can't help introspecting on whether the means we choose to keep in touch are puling us apart , or bringing us closer? Or way too closer to comfort ?

I don't know what is the resolution to this feeling, how do I make conversations with my friends more real and less of virtual.. But for now, I need to call a bestie and ask her details of this outing she posted about on her profile.

#77 . But I Thought He Was Different

Ah. That line .

The number of times you've heard the "But he seemed different from others " line . The number of times you fall for it yourself. The number of times you started to believe this was what you always wanted. The number of times you realize how it isin't and admit in resigned anguish the joke of a line it is. Accompanied with a suppressed yet hopeful sigh that he will appear from nowhere to hold you tight and softly whisper in your ear " I am..Trust me" .

But then, is he ??

#76. Steve jobs

“No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don’t want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life’s change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.


“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”

To one who changed the way I wake up and go to sleep and almost everything I do in between.
R.I.P.

Image courtesy: http://jmak.tumblr.com/post/9377189056#disqus_thread

#75. Things I've been doing over the weeks in lieu of posting.

1. Trying to keep pace with the super sonic speed of life in Bangalore. I've been stuck in weekday-weekend cycles, and am left wondering where does all the time fly.

2. Realized that setting up a full-fledged house to live is is not as easy and 'fun' as it seemed to be. Took us almost a month to get the kitchen running in full swing. We decided to manage dinner by cooking on our own instead of choosing other unhealthy options. Although it takes us much more time than what it should ideally take to put together a meal of rotis and veggies, there's nothing more satisfying than the taste of hand made home food.

3. Getting myself moulded into the life of an adult, with juggling between office and home, work and groceries and garbage bins and laundry and such stuff. All this leaves me exhausted by the end of the day to be able to pick up any extra read or movie. Don't even ask about the blog.


4. Taking up all the responsibilities and handling chores on my own has made me appreciate the role of mothers in life a lot. Need I say more on this ?

5. Joined the team a few weeks back, although I haven't been formally given any task in the official. There is still a hell lot of learning to do before I'd be able to independently share any team work. Here in SAP Labs, they follow the 10-20-70 rule : 10 % classroom training , 20% guidance and 70% hands-on experience. I was directly given a case study with a week's time, one that I had absolutely no clue about. Struggled a lot initially and eventually took a while longer than I was supposed to take, but managed to pull it off pretty well. Realized the best way to learn is not through any constant hammering on the head, but by actually getting down to doing the work, making mistakes, rectifying them and getting good at it. Now I feel much more confident about how the things I fiddled with during my case study work than I ever did when I was being "taught" about them.

6. Joined the gym . And surprisingly keeping quite regular with it, thank you very much. As lame as it might sound to you, it is a big achievement for me since for years the closest I've ever been to exercising has been must have been bending down to pick up a dropped pen. Yeah , that bad.
So unless its unavoidable, I make it a point not to miss workout after a day's work at office, even if its just 15 minutes of cycling. What makes it easier is the little candy-watching that I get to do with all the cute guys from office coming there too ;)

7. Played Agony Aunt to many. Yeah. Everywhere I went , I found myself listening to personal problems of friends and trying to help them out with whatever solutions I could offer. Or would just listen patiently until the other person felt better just by sharing. I've learnt that speaking your heart out to someone makes you feel umpteen times better, listening to someone do that makes you feel so even more. Suddenly all my little troubles seemed so trivial and took a back seat while I took charge of cheering them up. If I managed to bring a smile on someone even for a split second, or maybe just helped them from breaking down, I feel honored.

8. Speaking of help and generosity, October is the month of service in SAP Labs, where employees pledge their time out from their schedule for social work. I'm quite impressed by the policy of the company of laying stress on the importance of realizing our duty towards the society and not losing the human within us to the cacophony of the professional world. They encourage employees , as a part of Corporate Social Responsibility to participate in such activities once in a while as per their will. The entire month of October is dedicated to a variety of events ( link) and I plan to participate in as many as I can ,since I have ample time as a fresher joinee. Because it makes me happy.

As I type this, my watch tells me its midnight already, high time I should go off to sleep if I wish to reach office well in time and pull off the day without dozing off on my desk.
Funny how in hostel midnight was when I used to be the most active. Sigh.

Good Night.

# 74 Look the stars.... look how they shine for you

“Arsenal jobs are really good. But do you really want to
pick up and move to a whole new city
and start all over from scratch?”
- George Riley

#73 today is the beginning of the rest of my life

Close to one month of being in Bangalore. Seems like yesterday when I landed at this place with just a bag and a laptop, as clueless and nervous as ever at the thought of having to accept whatever this city had to offer to me. I remember clearly not being able to sleep in the hotel that night. I was a nervous wreck. The thought of entering the corporate world with not even an iota of idea what I am supposed to be doing was freaking me out. To add to my woes, my parents who were supposed to arrive after a couple of days to help me settle, had to cancel their plans at the last minute. To say I was devastated won't be an overstatement. So there I was, left all alone to deal with the world, along with just a couple of t-shirts and a pair of jeans, and a couple of 'new friends' I had made that day, who were probably as confused as I , if not more.
Fast forward a month, and say hello to a different me. I no longer dread this place, I have learnt to haggle with the localites in sign language. I have started to enjoy the blaring Kannada music in the cabs. I have decided to accept that a plate of two gulabjamuns costs 100 bucks, and there is no restaurant that serves north indian food I can even remotely relish. I finally managed to find a flat to live in, barely saving myself from being shelterless. I have stopped cribbing about the exhorbitant 2.5 lakhs rent security. I have fallen in love with the weather. I have started to embrace the city as it has embraced me with such a warm welcome. And the friends that I made on the first day ..... they are my lifeline =]
So today is going to be a beginning of an entirely new life. I feel like being born again. First salary credited to my account ( big wide evil grin ) , I suddenly feel empowered to make my own decisions, follow my own will, make my own choices. With luggage and scooty shifted to the new flat, I can't wait for office to end so I can rush to the apartment and set it up all by myself. Get the electircity, gas and net connections.Decide the decors and furniture and every little thing. Start experimenting in the kitchen. I know its not going to be easy, once the trianing ends and the project begins. I will most likely be fretting over the amount of load that'd be thrusted upon me from all ends. But somehow I find myself looking forward to all of that earnestly. I want to experience it all. Take charge of my life. Have a control over things I do and most importantly, on the things that happen to me. There cnanot be a better time than now to leave behind all the baggage and pick up new ones ;-)

#72 Reporting from Bangalore

3 weeks. I fail to understand how 3 weeks flew by so fast. Life has suddenly picked up an acceleration of 20x and I am still struggling to catch hold of the seat belt, let alone match the pace. But just to cut the long story short, I shifted to Bangalore. Joined office. Finally found a flat which I would be moving in on Aug 1st. Made friends.

To sum up the experience in a word.


A.W.E.S.O.M.E.

(except for the depressing hair fall ofcourse *sniff* )





Will get back to posting more frequently when I "settle in properly". Whatever that means.
adios.

# 71 This is one of those posts in hurry!

This is going to be very short. Just an update actually.

I'm packing and shifting again. Boy don't I feel like a qualified nomad now!!


Its not like I'm moving out of home to live alone in another city. I did just that 4 years back when I joined college. Despite being 4 years older and more mature and capable of managing things alone, I'm a nervous wreck right now. So is my Mom. So is my Dad. And that gives me more butterflies. More like the pangs of separation. It sure feels weird leaving home every time. The only consolation is that my parents will soon join me in a week or so and help me find a place to live and settle in.

Going into what they say a new phase in life. All I can do is hope and pray for it to hold something good in store for me !
I should sleep early tonight. I'm exhausted and have some packing left to do in the morning before my flight departs. Good Night.

#70 I Want To See A Dream Tonight

I want to see a dream tonight. I don't remember when was the last morning I woke up remembering seeing a dream.

I really want to see one tonight.

One that takes me out of this state of inactivity. One that proves to me that my life is not inanimated. One where I don't have to spend days staring at the fan. Or the laptop. Or at my Mom. One where I don't have to think of what to do, I should automatically have loads to do. One where I don't make it through the entire day without letting anyone or anything touch me.


I don't want to feel so devoid of color and music like I do these days. I don't want this to become a permanent feature in my life.

I don’t want to feel so sapped of energy.

I don't want to feel the lack of will / inspiration / motivation/ purpose to do just about anything.

I want to jump out of my bed with a bright wide smile on my face and a plan for the day charted out in advance. I want to run into people around me with a smile so contagious that they find themselves incapable of not smiling back at me. I want to sing in the shower while I'm loaded with work. I want to rush to my work and look forward to meeting my mates at office. I want to be able to stick post-its in my cubicle and cover it with bright vibrant colors. I want to feel very excited about a friend who bought a new iPad. I want to call friends over for a movie and open the terrace for them and make lots and lots of popcorns to last all night. I want to laugh and giggle until my stomach hurts. And go on laughing even after that. I want to write write about every little good thing about me and tell people how pretty they are. I want to get soaked in the rain, and not end up sneezing. I want to get a good night kiss every single night, and be cuddled to sleep.


I need to rid myself of the cynicism that makes me doubt this entire universe.

I need to find that part of me I want to call myself. I need to bury history. I need to see the future arrive. I need to embracde it with arms wide open and a smile stuck on my face, and most importantly, with a plan well thought of in my mind about living my future well.



I really need to see a dream tonight.



PS: I'm expected to be joining office in about a week. So pretty antsy

#69 My Kashmir Hangover

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#68 Late Night Musings

On lazy hot summer like these, I often find myself lying about in my bed with a book or iPod with me but not realizing where the story is heading to or which song is playing because I'm too lost in flashbacks and future-planning. How it happened, where it started, what went right, where I went wrong, how things changed and then eventually got over. I find myself entangled in the could haves and should haves and also on how bad I want to make the would be's happen when I move into the new phase of life very soon..

As I wait for the call to join office, which i'm expecting to happen anytime within 15 days from now, I'm wondering at how life brings one back to the same spot in whichever manner to confront the same situations as one did before..
When school was getting over, there were hundreds of thoughts and questions running through my head. What will happen after this? Will I be able to perform well in entrances? Will I get into a good college? Will I make friends there? How will I be able to stay there for 4 years! How often will i be able to come home? Will the people be good to me? Will I survive in the world out there?
4 years hence, done and dusted with college, I find myself standing on the very same pedestal, asking the same questions..
What will happen after this?
Will I be able to perform well?
Will I make friends there?
How will I be able to stay there for I-don't-know-how-many years!
How often will I be able to visit home?
Will the people be good to me?
Will I survive in the world out there?

The worries and apprehensions are the same.The only difference being the college has now been replaced by the IT industry, and the world now no longer means just the college mates..


Did I tell you it's FREAKING THE HELL OUTTA ME !!!

#67 So Now What.

So now I have two options.

1. I can sit and wonder where and how these 4 years passed by so quickly. Look back and remember all the things done and achieved. Retrospect and analyze those that were not. Dig deeper into the reasons why they could not happen. Regret certain decisions that could not be made. And those that were made but should not have been, at that time. Curse myself for acting at certain points in haste and under the influence of emotions, and blame myself for not having used wiser discretion.
I can terribly miss my college and friends and all that bonds me to that place. I can sit and moan and sob over the time gone by and keep wishing that I somehow get all that back. To relive the good times, more importantly to undo the bad and redo it like it should have been done.

2. Or I can just miss the time gone by for a while, yes. But then I can just let things take me where they will. I can only look ahead and try to do all that I could have / could not have /should have / should not have/ must have / must not have in the time to come.

#66 Packed. Shifted. and Still Settling.

I am back home after ending my stint in college. Sounds too cliched but these 4 years really did seem to have passed by in a whiff. Before I could even sit back and analyse my journey of BTech, it was time to wind up and leave. Like everybody else, we had our share of coundowns and bucket lists and days of lasts . Tried as much as it was in our capacity to "enjoy the last few days in the college to the fullest", as they say. We all started the last semester with numerous plans and lists and ideas for the follwing weeks. Everyone was aware of what was going to be taken away pretty soon, and everyone did know they had to cherish each and every moment of it while they could- just no one exactly knew how. Umpteen farewells and treats and parties and outings and meetings later, it was never enough. Shirts were signed. Diaries were written. Photos were clicked. Revelations were made. Remebrances were done. Grudges were buried. Confessions were made. Tears were shed. Promises were made. And a hell lot of all that. Still, it just never seemed enough. There was always a desire for "thoda aur yaar..abhi bahut kuch baaki hai karna" . I felt so caught up in frantically trying to gather whatever bits I could from the moments that were left to our mercy. It felt like I would never ever be able to accept the 'end'. It was frustrating since amidst all the pressure of exams for which there was nil preparation ( ok this time I hadn't even bought the books ! ) and the major thesis, I still had scores of places to visit and restaurants to eat at and things to do in my list. There never seemed to be any end to my frenzy in trying to cling on to the place.

Until one day a week after exams were over and no dues forms were looming on our minds, a friend left for home early. The scene at the station of tears and wails of separation sent shivers down my spine. I knew this was going to be gazzilion times harder in my case, considering the over emotional and touchy person that I am. Suddenly the jeers of my friends over how drmatic my farewell would be, gave me a jolt and I realized I would certainly not be able to leave this way. It was going to be terribly ugly. That is when I decided to get the hell out of there and leave the college as early as possible, and snap the ties as abruptly as I could. That seemed to be the only solution to the spasms I kept getting every moment I was reminded of the college ending. In a day I was to pack the humungous amount of luggage i had collected in my hostel over the years, and parcel them back home along with my ride.

3 days later, I'm here sitting in my "home" the literal one, away from the place I called home for the last 4 years- a place that had grown into me. The events of the past 3 days keep rewinding in my head and I wonder how I managed through so many abrupt and unexpected events. My first time alone in non-AC ( and I reached home in one piece *claps* ), 5 cartons of luggage that I had nearly lost but received only yesterday, and most importantly, not shedding a single tear while I boarded my train. Very unexpected of me.

In retrospection I feel letting go was definitely a wiser and easier way out than holding on never being able to come out of the dream that was sure to end. Merely procrastinating wasn't going to give back my college days. I was almost like buying time for a dying patient. I am assured that I lived my college life, as much as it was in my capacity, infact much more than I could;ve envisaged. I know that the friends who'll be there will always be, irrespective of the distance. The ones who wont were never meant to be at the first place. I will make up for the places I msised going to in Bhopal sometime. Instead of trying to make futile attempts in undoing or starting afresh over the mistakes, I can better concentrate on the lessons learnt and take care in my future in Bangalore, where another chapter in my life begins in a couple of weeks. Instead of brooding and sulking over what all I left behind, I can only look back and smile at the memories I have of that place, and look ahead to the time that awaits me. All done and dusted from Bhopal, I am now definitely looking forward to life in Bangalore. Until then, its time for me to try to 'adjust' to the ways and routines of this place called home.