#109. Upwards and onwards

Some times I get a strong urge to turn my life around, to be a completely different person. Try out absolutely random new things and to go places I haven't heard of, meet strangers who have no context whatsoever of my life and are on the same path of adventure as the alternate me. Abandon the comfort and fear of uncertainty and chase the unknown and have blind faith in destiny. All this to create brand new memories out of brand new experiences.


Other days I'm very happy being me. And with the knowledge that one step at a time, I am indeed setting out to embracing the things that I had wished to do.

#108. When I felt I found a sense of purpose...

I feel lost again.

It's one of those times when I, who takes a lot of effort and strength to open up about things that I carefully hold inside me, want to scream and let everything out. But my safe havens are engrossed in their own chaos that my voice feels disregarded, unwelcome.

And that's when I regret the preposterous idea that my voice and my feelings have a patient and safe release. That coming out of my shell is not such a scary thought.

I want to go back to my shell again. 

#107. Goodbye, 2015.

2015. The year that turned everything around for me. 

Took chances. Made changes. 

Dreamt wild. Aimed in the air. 

Worked hard at places. Got lucky at some. 

Freaked out. Faced challenges head on. 

Took tough decisions. Let destiny take over. 

Loved. Lost. Loved again 

Chased my dreams. Rekindled my childhood fantasies.

Fought. Made up. 

Pushed myself. Embraced discomfort. 

Changed environment. Adopted new surroundings. 

New people. New culture.

Observed. Reflected. 

Assimilated. Isolated. 

Stood my guard. Sought help. 

Broke down. Collected back together.

Felt more strongly. Expressed more freely. 

Realized what I want to do. Understood what I do not. 

Welcomed some experiences. Resented some. 

To the year that taught me the most, changed me the most, good bye. 

Here's to another year of endless memories! 2016, bring it on I say! 

#106. New Chapter

So this is it. It is finally happening.
After three months of being in a state of perpetual hibernation at home post packing up and moving back from Bangalore, I have again packed up and moved. This time to the United Kingdom. For a year. For my MBA. At University of Oxford!
A decision taken 10 months back is finally seeing light today, and I can for certain admit that this is all for real. Everyone around me was thrilled, and my future classmates were ecstatic (from their Facebook updates), but I was hardly able to emote and express. Something seemed wrong.
It didn't sink in until I visited the University yesterday to collect my residence permit and have a look at my apartment where I will stay for the term. The place is magnificent, and now much more than from what I saw as a tourist when I was here in 2013. Although one year is too less a time to soak in the expereince alongside my hectic MBA schedule, I hope to do justice to my time there.
I guess the excitement is finally setting in. Finally. 

#105. Retreat

Three weeks back I made my first trip to Goa. Somehow in the past I had to miss out on every chance that I had to go to Goa, and naturally was pretty kicked about the trip when it finally materialized this time. Initially it seemed more of a to-do task that I wanted to check off my list, you know just to get the pressure of oh-my-God-you've-never-been-to-Goa-at-all jibes off my back.
We kept away from the crowded bustling areas and headed to Palolem which was relatively quiet and beautiful. I remember the moment I stepped on the shore, a sense of trance took over. It was exciting and calming at the same time. As if the message was loud and clear and I found the bombardment of too many emotions, right at the sea shore in the middle of the night, overwhelming.
It was then that it struck me - that the waves that come gushing towards me with enthusiastic intensity, recede soon after in just about the same manner. A part of me wanted to implore them to stop, to pause for a while so I could take in the most of that moment. But neither have they waited for anyone, nor will they for me. All I could do was cherish the time I had and be prepared for the fact that their existence in my life was only transient.
That was a wonderful trip from where I returned with some unforgettable memories. Most importantly I returned with the realization that while farewells are inevitable, the best we could do is make them happy ones.
Perhaps that's why, today when I'm sitting in my room looking at the pile of stuff that I have to pack and move in the next ten days, I am reminded of those waves. Stuff that I have hoarded over the years, stuff that I have got emotionally attached to, stuff that is not just about material things but also about the people and the moments. In normal course I should have been panicking and not wanting to accept this transition, but tonight as I begin this crazy chore I find myself heaving a heavy nostalgic sigh and getting on to work with a strangely calm smile.

After all, how different is time and how different are people in your life from the waves of a sea?

#104. Be Wary

Be wary of people who try to "fix you". Be wary of those who need to say to you that they are your friend. Be wary of those who need to ask you to trust them. Be wary of friends who tell you they are not judging you. Be wary of those who repeatedly tell you they understand you and they totally get you and hence want to fix you. Be extremely wary.

Be wary because people who come in your life and even after spending considerable amount of time with you, are compelled to tell you that they are trying to "get you", will never really "get you". No particular reason why. They will continue to see you differently, despite you baring yourself clearly open to them. You think get know you well, they say they know you well - but you realize there is no connection.

You eventually figure that your journey is no less than a carousel, and most of the people you meet in this journey will only hop on at some stage and hop off when time comes. For them you are only a means to move forward in their journey, and they should've been the same for you. It's okay to meet people, have a great time with them, create memories with them and accept that you all will move on with or without them. What is not okay is to have assumed that they will make your carousel their home which they will protect and respect. It's okay to pour out your heart to them, it's not okay to have taken for granted that they will honor your trust in them.

Most importantly, be wary of yourself. For you and you alone are to be blamed if you let someone have a control over the things that matter the most to you and should have been protected by you.



I am extremely angry as I type this. Not sure if I am more angry or disappointed because I am in tears and in the mood to smash at the same time. Not sure what is worse - finding out right before I am leaving this city that one of the most important friends to me had been snitching on me all along and ruined what was supposed to be one of the most beautiful memories for me; or that I am wishing I'd rather not have found out at all, and maybe stayed and left in the ignorant bubble that trusting that friend was never a foolish choice. 

#103. Mood things

I wonder when was the last time that a post on my blog got written by itself. I wish this one did. Words used to flow out on their without stressing too much. But they won’t anymore, for I find it difficult to drift like I did before with my expressions. Age, perhaps.

Life is fleeting. And I’m trying to make the most out of it.

There are certain things in life, small and insignificant, yet so beautiful that they fill your heart with an unexplainable warmth and ecstasy. For me the past few weeks have been about scurrying for such moments and savoring them before it’s time to leave for the next big change. The uncertainty and apprehension from couple of months back have slowly made way to longing and a sense of nostalgia which I believe will stick around for more time than welcome.

Life isn’t a novel. It doesn’t always have to be segmented in chapters. These do not necessarily have to have a reason for everything. Sometimes it’s absolutely fine to not have the next step defined. It’s okay to not have a conclusion, a punctuation, or a period to sum it all up and complete the story.

Speaking of my story- after being asked almost daily by a dozen people about my “plans”, I have decided to leave town before heading off to the next phase. Will spend a couple of months at home, hopefully, to cool off and gather myself with renewed energy. I’m extremely skeptical of this as I write, since staying idle and not having anything to do is not the kind of routine I have ever envisaged for myself. But currently, everything is moving too fast to make any sense, and this seems like the best thing to do. To plug out.  

I have a little over 50 days left in this town. Who thought getting out would be umpteen times more difficult than getting in!

#102. First of lasts.

Was it a beginning of an end, or an end to the beginning - I am not sure.

First job. It took me 30 minutes to type out my resignation mail. Another 20 minutes to keep switching tabs between work and staring at the mail lying in drafts, waiting for it to decide on it's own when it needed to be sent. I wish the mailbox could take the decision for me and spare me the moment's dilemma. 

First job. I admit that for all the tales I used to hear about corporate jobs and the heroics of quitting and moving on, I had already decided on my exit strategy before joining the first job. That when I'd resign and walk out of the building in style, the place behind me will crumble and crash, in no less than a straight-out-of-Hollywood sequence. And I will hop on to my car, turn around for the one last glance, smile to myself and get going. How dramatic.

Except that today when I started writing the mail, I knew that the only thing I wanted to make sure from that moment on till my last day at work, the only thing I need to ensure is to avoid bursting into awkward tears. 

First job, man.

#101. About time I wrote this one

It's been three weeks. From that day when I found it hard to stay composed to today when I rather have my solitude for company- there has been a strange kind of transformation in me. Adults tend to refer to this phenomenon as maturing, so I guess this must be it.

I'm quietly watching the year slip by. As much as I want to hold on to it dearly for 2014 has given me some most beautiful memories, I am prepared to let it go. Just as I learned over the year that sometimes the best way to celebrate the presence of something in your life is by letting it leave. No grudges, no complaining, no tears and no grieving. No chest-thumping drama. Just a silent unsaid farewell. If you know me personally you'll know why is it a big deal for me to part with things and people I hold dear to me.

The year also taught me the importance of positive reinforcement. There was a beautiful article I once read about using your daily password as a means to set reminders for your goals . I started practising the same and now swear by the impact it made on a potato of a person that I am (more on that later). I realize that all it takes is that one little kick to get things moving in life. A pat on my back for also successfully completing the 100 happy days challenge early this year (I did mine on my Instagram profile).

Last two months drove me insane with all the work I had signed up for. I went into a hiding, refused to meet anyone, allowed only a few into my cocoon and spoke with them incessantly about my worries. For those in this circle who stuck by and tolerated all my whims during that phase when, if I were them, I would definitely have kicked myself hard for being an irritating messed up wreck - I am eternally grateful. For those who considered bailing out on me as an easier option - I can only thank them with my heart for teaching me the essence of detachment. Because in the coming months, I will have to learn to part. To gather from my past that I have hoarded over the years, collect it all and lock everything away, far from my reach and farther from my memories.
I will hate it, but I will be doing it.

Bring on 2015, I say. I am shit scared of you, but I will face you and I will win you over :)




PS: I'll also be changing the URL of this blog. Detachment, you see.

#100 . The Hundredth Post

Much deliberation. One conclusion. That the more I keep planning to make the 100th post as a milestone or something, the less likely it is going to happen in next hundred years or something.So what the heck.
How has 2014 been shaping up for me? Pretty amazing, I'd say.
The year brought with it quite many changes in my life. Some happened that I had no control over, while there were some that I had to make happen. Got *almost* diagnosed with an incurable condition, exercised my way out of it. Gained weight, lost twice as much. Took up a few interesting projects. A big one happening next month end and I'm absolutely thrilled about it. Few personal resolutions were met, some broken.
But most importantly, I have finally decided to take a big step in life and break my cocoon of complacence (read: indolence). Working on achieving something important this year and never before have I wanted this bad for it to work out for me. 
Wish me luck!

#99

"One day

  when I wake up at 3am,

unable to sleep,

I will look next to me

    and you will be there.

Sleeping peacefully beside me

and suddenly,

   the world won't seem so lonely."

#98

Right now I am on my way back home from a short business trip of 3 days. Since it's a good long journey from the Bangalore airport to my place, I took my laptop out in the cab to send an important mail. Saw one of my colleagues, who happens to be my batch mate from college and a friend, had his last working day at office while I was away. He signed off his farewell message with these lines from Mark Twain -

“Life is short, Break the Rules.
Forgive quickly, Kiss SLOWLY.
Love truly. Laugh uncontrollably
And never regret ANYTHING
That makes you smile.”

It's funny how something significant happens with you that gets you thinking about it a lot, and suddenly something totally unrelated strikes you from no where and everything that you've been forcing to rationalize in your head immediately makes perfect sense.

#97 Dear Good ( Guy ) Friends

We girls are better than you think we are in knowing the difference between you being genuinely over friendly by habit, and you trying to take your chances by hitting on us for lack of other options. Specially when we are the ONLY few girl friends you have in your life. That too when you try your luck with more than one at the same time.

Sincerely,
Your well wishing but deeply pissed Good Girl Friends.

#96 The Mc Donalds Generation

As I sit to write these few words, like every other time, I am struggling to fight this strong urge to peek into my mailbox, or chat, or facebook updates, or twitter feeds, or flikr uploads, or any other damn thing on the internet- for the umpteenth time in the day. I realize there is nothing I will find in there that is worth the urgency. I realize that checking would partly be an escape for me when I wish to write but words don’t flow freely. But I also may be a perfect example of how technology has intensified people’s need for instant gratification, turning them into impatient psychos. Or as my Father puts it, I am a classic case of the Mc. Donalds generation that I belong to.

#95. Year-end post

So I end up procrastinating on the day I was supposed to sit and take a stock of the year I mostly wasted away. The world was supposed to have ended in 2012, as the Mayans told us. Only that 2013 showed up, and went on to mock at my plans for the year just as probably the number 13 does for those who believe in astrology.

The general mood for 2013 seemed to be largely based on accepting change and having to let go. Of things that are too dear but eventually go. Those we hold too tightly but need to give up for our own good. Things we take for granted until they’re gone.

Year that started with me purchasing my first DSLR ( no I did not start a photography page, neither will ) ended with an impulsive purchase of Kindle tab, despite hoarding my shelves with scores of books I could lay my hands on throughout the year.

A new phone was bought too, which meant giving away the one I was gifted 3 years ago by brother on campus placement, and anyone who knows me personally would testify how hard it was for me to part with it. I have a knack of getting attached to my possessions and giving any away means killing the memory that I have grown to associate that particular thing with.

Did I work insanely hard this year, or did I use work as an excuse for anything else that came my way, I do not know. While this year I finally gathered the strength to cut all ties with a relationship that was damaging to say the least, I also didn't do enough to stop my best friend from moving to Delhi to chase his dreams.

Trip to London happened for 22 days right in the middle of year, with all 4 of the family together after ages. Made me realize how with each passing day the distance never ceases to stop growing and before I could even land back to Bangalore, I was already homesick. Losing a childhood friend to a tragic road accident made me want to get done with the year even more.

There were definitely some happy times too. My 24th birthday was made special in ways I could've never anticipated, I made some lovely new friends who I can’t imagine my life without now, I moved to a new apartment with a few of my college friends that make me relive hostel days. And I performed for the first time on stage in front of 4000+ audience for our company’s annual day dance competition ( and if I’m allowed to brag about it, my group won 1 Lakh cash prize too :D ).

If there’s one thing that 2013 taught me, it’s that taking things for granted is a sin. So is assuming things will be done if you intend to without having to do something about them. I wrote too little. Read far too little books. Took too few pictures. Met fewer people. Hardly took any risk. While I planned to do too much of them all throughout the year. There cannot be anything more tragic than being in a state where you squander away the time you’re given to make the best out of.

#94

You know the kind of texts you receive from your close ones that leave you numb, so numb that even after weeks you wake up each day hoping that you were just dreaming ?

It's tough. The other person is hurting , no amount of consolation or anything you say is going to help them at that time. You cannot bring their loved one back, yet you keep wondering if there is anything you could have done.

Why do we get so ridden with the guilt ? It's so stressful at times.


You know the kind of texts that make you change your perspective towards life. Life that fails to teach you what an event as death does...

#93. Am I really old enough ?

A friend and I were playing music in my room this morning and the playlist soon drifted to old songs from the 90s that we grew up listening to. We all got excited about hearing those songs after so long and started sharing our memories associated with them. Later I texted an old friend of mine reminding her of those silly times when we'd memorize songs like Truly, Madly, Deeply and hum them all day at school talking about our first crush with each other. I also told her about another girl we knew since many years who got engaged. My initial reaction when talking to my friend about it was "Wow, I can't believe they're engaged already!" but that's when she had to snap me out of the old days and remind me that we're already 24, and teenage memories and friends getting married should not amaze me anymore.
Which is when it hit me - "How did we grow up so soon?"

With social media controlling almost all our activities it's so easy to judge your own life based on what everyone else is portraying theirs to be. A lot of the girls I went to school with are married already, and some even have kids or are expecting kids soon. I judge their life to the vast contrast of my own, and many times wonder how I'm in such a different position as them. Some days I think to myself "Damn, I'm already 24!" and other days I have to stop and remind myself "Hey, I'm only 24!".

If I'm honest with myself though, I'm not ready to turn the page on this chapter of my life. So what if I'm still living my life the way the elders would no longer approve of and expect me to grow out from. Sure, those other girls are getting to flaunt pretty rings, plan weddings, decorate new houses, and prepare for babies. I know that eventually I'll get to do those things too. But for now, I want to soak up every minute of this phase I'm in.

It's easy to look at those girls and wonder what I'm doing with my life, but the truth is, I feel a sense of warmth and comfort in the juncture of life I'm in right now. I want to take full advantage of the fact that I can make my own decisions,and be a little bit selfish about them without having anyone whose life depends on them. I do have responsibilities, but not too much, and I have the freedom to explore and experience new things without anything or anyone holding me back ( except for my parents who never did ).So, if you're like me and tend to compare your life to others, stop. Take the time to enjoy this chapter. Once you turn the page you can't go back, and while the next chapter would be extremely exciting, it will never be the same as it is right now.

#92. I swear I'm not dead

Just busy figuring out this conundrum called life. 


But I miss this space okay ?

I really do.

#91.

Was at this amusement park yesterday having what I would call the time of my life, a perfect weekend with the perfect set of people I could ever want to be with. Until I spoke with my mother on the phone while on my way back, and heard her break down on the call with me.
Its like this distance suddenly hit me right on my face and ripped my heart apart. How conveniently do we children forget that while we are growing up and moving on with our own lives, our parents are getting older and need us more. Since when did we become so selfish?


I always wanted to remember this day all my life, but not like this.

# 90 . Shit Happened

I feel like screaming my guts out. Guess Mr. Murphy loves me way too much.
I opened blogger after what seemed like ages to finally let out what I've been wanting to for a pretty long time.
Was going through my old posts and drafts, only to delete two latest posts from the blog.

Shit.

SHIT !!

The day's gloom has now turned into outrage. I want the earth to split wide open and take me in.
And I do not want to come back ever again. Feels like I just lost a finger ( yes THAT dramatic this is).

So since I'm supposed to be an internet-savvy engineer, I will have to figure a way out to retrieve the posts. Somehow.

oh Google cache, I hope you've captured my Birthday list somewhere in some teeny weeny corner of yours. I was yet to start working on it *looks around guiltily* . Pretty sure I won't even feel like getting back to this space if I have lost #88 and #89 forever.

SHIT  



update :   YAY !